memories #vkook

"nothing gold can stay"

Memories. They follow Jeongguk everywhere. Wherever he is, no matter what he's doing, memories keep coming back. They force him to think about them, even though he'd prefer not to. He wishes he could just forget some things. Or he wishes those things had never happened. Either way it would be perfect for him. Because if it all hadn't happened, maybe then his life would be more peaceful, and he'd be happier. Maybe then, he wouldn't have got stuck in the past, but live in the present and focus on the future.

The memories he has are rather happy, and yet so sorrowful. It happened so long ago, but he feels like, instead of getting blurry, they are becoming more vivid. He dreams about them, thinks about them on a daily basis. It comes to the extent that he sees them whenever his eyes are closed. Something wants him to remember. And all he wants is to forget.

Escape. In fact, there's none. Escaping them is impossible. But facing them is not easy, either. He just cannot bring himself to do it. It's something unthinkable for him. Because how could he face them when he promised himself to never go back to them? It would mean his defeat. A broken promise. Not that he hasn't broken any before.

After so many years Jeongguk sees the influence that one person had on him. Without them, he wouldn't be who he is now. He wouldn't be Jeongguk. In fact, the person made him Jeongguk. And now that they're not here, he's not sure who he is anymore.

Does this body belong to Jeongguk? Are these Jeongguk's hands? Is this Jeongguk's face? Does this voice belong to Jeongguk too? Who is Jeongguk? Who is he?

And even though he knows who he is, at the same time he doesn't. He feels like a jigsaw puzzle without the final piece, unable to be completed. He is missing a part of himself.

But it's even worse. It's not like he can find something that would fit in, buy another set or just forget about it. He knows what is missing. And nothing will ever be able to replace it and, no matter how hard he tries, he won't be able to forget.

Sometimes he goes on short walks. He wanders around without destination, just him and his feet leading him forward. Just him and memories being his only company. With time Jeongguk starts giving up. Because what's the point of trying to forget when forgetting is not possible? If it was, he'd have already forgotten or at least got over the past events.

Before he even realizes, he's on a playground. For some it might be a normal place where children play. Nothing special. But for him it's an important location. That's where he and Taehyung met for the first time.

Jeongguk still remembers the first awkwardness and shy smiles they exchanged with each other as a greeting. He remembers them slowly warming up to one another and eventually laughing out loud at some silly and embarrassing childhood stories, the awkwardness long forgotten. He remembers the sadness that overtook both of them when it was time to part their ways. He remembers not being able to fall asleep that night because of his thoughts going towards this beautiful boy he had met.

Jeongguk isn't even sure how it happened that they met and became friends. What were the chances that they would hit it off instantly?

It was when Jeongguk, as usual, decided to go to the local library. He had an important project to do and he needed some peace and quiet to do it. It was kind of hard to focus with his roommates being... loud. Yeah. Loud.

To his surprise, most of the seats were taken. Usually on that day of the week the library was almost empty. Not to mention it was the school break which meant that many students were out of town! He had to put some extra effort in finding an empty seat. And when he did find one, he quickly took it, scared of someone beating him to it. He focused on the project, not paying any attention to people around him. It was just him and his chemistry book. How lovely.