Love, Rose [S.M]

What is sleep?

It has been a week since James has joined our life's, but in all honesty, it feels like yesterday.
All the cliches that people say about parenthood are true. I have never felt more happier in my life than I am feeling now. Sleep deprived, insecure and anxious all the time but extremely and utterly happy. One look at my son, and all the broken nights are worth it.

How worth it all is and how extremely in love I am with my own kid, I have to be honest, because it is not like how people portray it is in the movies. Being a parent is fucking hard. And I am not only talking of the sleepless nights or the fact that my body still feels like it has been run over by a truck. Hell no, I wish it was only that. It feels like a whole box of new insecurities have been opened since the moment James made his entrance in this world. A box that I did not even knew was there. From not knowing if he gets enough food inside, or that one of his cute little noises isn't actually something that means something is totally wrong or when he wouldn't stop crying. Two days ago, I could not make him stop crying during the night. Whatever I tried, nothing worked, but when Shawn came in and took him from me, he immediately calmed down. I swear, I have never felt more like a failure than at that moment. So when he was finally settled down, Shawn had to comfort me. In short, it has been one fucking roller coaster. For everyone.
Unfortunately, this roller coaster does not seem to stop anytime soon.

I am laying on my side of the bed, as I listen to Shawn trying his hardest to calm our son down, as he walks back and forward through James's room just down the hallway. He probably went to James his own room, hoping that they wouldn't wake me up. Fat chance of course. I do not know what it is but as soon as I hear one sound from James, my body is on high alert. It doesn't matter if I am fast asleep or not, the moment a sound leaves his mouth that might indicate that there something is wrong with him, my body is really to fight whatever.
The same goes for my breast. Even though I have decided to not do breastfeeding, it does not mean my breast do not produce milk. The littlest sound from my son is enough to make my tits explode.. and do not get me started on how fucking big they are. I have never been the girl who was blessed with a large forefront. It is okay but nothing amazing. At least, in my opinion.
I always wondered what it was like to have natural large breast. Well, I know it now and I do not like it for a bit. They are a hard as a rock, which hurts so extremely badly. And other than that, I have to change a couple of times a day to a new shirt, because every time milk creates a large round stain. It's literally so embarrassing. I hope it stops soon. I cannot go out like that in public.

I sigh deeply as I lift up the covers of the bed. Maybe I am crazy but I recognize James his cries. Well, I am starting to recognize them. Maybe it is a mom thing or maybe it is just in my head, but I know the cry when he is not planning on stopping any time soon, and this is definitely the one. So, I am not going to let my husband struggle any further, otherwise I have two people to comfort in a bit.

I grab my bathrobe and put on some slippers because I know this is going to take a while.

As I walk through the hallway, to James his room, my eye fall on Lily's door. It's open. "Weird." I softly mumble. Where the hell is she?
There is absolutely no way she is sleeping through this. Especially not with the door of her bedroom wide open.
Well, that is something for later.

I push the door to James his room open further. The little lamp in the corner of his room is the only source of light.
I find a desperate looking man, with a scream baby to his chest. His eyes fall on me as he finds me standing in the entrance of the door.

"Sorry, I did not mean to wake you up." He says but I can also see a little relief in his eyes. I cannot blame him. Being a parent is amazing but at the same time extremely overwhelming. That is probably why God made a dad and a mom. So you can do this parenting shit together.