Doragon akuma no dansu: Dance of the Dragon Demon

Prologue.

Dear diary,

Why do so many stories say that everything happens for a reason?That something good ends so that something even better can start? I just don't understand.

I feel so alone in this world . I can't even begin to imagine why something would end for my miserable being. I've never understood that concept or the thought of fate or reincarnation. All I ever do is feel sorry for myself, asking the same question ,'Why didn't good things ever happen to me without bad things following right behind it? ' It's getting pathetic, it's getting so bad that everytime something good happens i can't even bring myself to get excited or enjoy it; because i keep thinking about the next bad thing that's probably going to happen to me. I'm scarred for life.

The only real friend i have, i'm slowly losing him; he has new friends and a new relationship. I guess you could say i'm jealous because his girlfriend stole my only friend i had that has helped me through most of the years. He's stupid, he's just too blinded by love to understand how i feel. I guess that happens..

She changed him in to someone i'm starting to despise because she wasn't happy with the way he was. ( people like that puzzle me. why have a relationship with someone you are not happy with?)

He's made so many sacrifices for her but she didn't want to make any for him. Ever since he started dating her; he acts different. I miss the old kiaros.

I remember when the old times. We had so much fun. Even if we did sometimes argue and we didn't speak for weeks. We would always make up. That was the kind of relationship I wanted.

While we hung out we would make plans to do things like bowling, or fishing, even to have a few drinks ; but lately he's been making up excuses to get out of the plans we had made. Everytime we made plans to do anything; even if it was just to catch up with each other; he would have to tell her what we were doing. I was feeling more alone than ever.

There was a time when I was normal. I wasn't so hidden, or depressed as I am now. I was actually a very social person when i was younger and i had lots of confidence. Some would even have called me vain back then. But I think that was a long time ago; maybe 7 or 8 years. Now i'm just completely anti-social; keeping everything to myself. I lost touch with the world and its people; and most of my interests; except music. I love music. I used to be very involved in sports but now i'm a very lazy person. I can't even strike a conversation anymore because i have no idea what to talk about. I have no hobbies or intrests that i could share amongst my peers; im afraid of humiliation. I'm also a very paranoid person; past experiences have left me completely afraid of people. It doesn't matter who the person is; they could be the nicest person in the world; but in my mind i'm thinking this person is going to hurt or offened me.

I can't judge a person by their appearance like most people; i'm always afraid to find out who they really are because i know that there are a lot of two-faced people in this world. I can't remember who it was but; someone once told me" A two-faced person isn't worth knowing; their worthless like a 2 pence coin."I knew that was true but couldn't say it; i disliked judging any person. I'm too afraid to go out to try and make new friends and anyway making new friends is hard; since i'd have nothing in common with them. They probably wouldn't like the music i adore. I can't go to parties because i can't stand crowded places; my anxiety would get the better of me and i have no sense of direction. I'm so afraid; if i were to get wasted i wouldn't know how to get home. In fact even if i'm not wasted i'd still get lost because the lack of my sense of direction. People walk all over me; even if i don't do anything to them; just because i'm nice to them and because i'm skinny. All the bigger people think they're better than me.They probabbly are; with their big muscles; they think they can do whatever they like. It's hard to ignore when you're being called "pethetic, Emo and annorexic"everyday; just for walking down the school corridoor. I mean, some of them do it as a joke; but i still can't stand up for myself. I'm always afraid things will get out of hand. I wouldn't want anything to happen to me like the girl in year 9 below me; they had beaten her so bad, she was taken to hospital last week. You just never know how some people will react. In today's world a lot of people carry weapons or just take things way to serious. I'm afraid to get physically hurt or die. Thoughts of suicide have run through my mind; i even tried to slit my own wrist like i'm stereotyped to do; but the incisions i attempted never became serious; they were just shallow wounds. I was too much of a coward. I just can't seem to get my life on track; i want to be happy. I don't want to worry all the time. I wish i could start over or at least start back to where it all went wrong; although i probably would make the same mistakes again.

And if it meant I could make amens with kiaros, I'd do it a thousand times over, even if it cost me my life.