My life has been completely hectic the passed fee months. My father is some psycho, me feeling like I'm being abused even though I'm probably not, contemplating on whether or not I should break a sharpener, cut myself and call myself weak. (I'm being over dramatic I know.)
I need sleep. But I feel like no matter how much I sleep I'll always feel worse. Sleeping is suppose to make me feel powerful, but every time I do I feel weaker than before. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I sick?
It's 11:39 P.M. where I live and I remember about a year ago I would be wide awake and semi relaxed. Now I feel like I'm about to fall asleep and paranoid, and waiting for a stream of insults from a family member telling me how ridiculous I am for doing something that count as wrong or being pushed or pulled somewhere.
I've learned to exept the insults, remain quiet and believe the words. Which I find quite sad and pathetic. I used to be able to defend myself and have confidence. Now I'm just some pathetic child. I've changed so much. I honestly hate myself so much for letting myself become this way. I get embarrassed over the simplist thing. Flinch. at the raise of an arm. I'm so weak.
I went to a restaurant the other day and I ate the whole plate. (It was a pretty big plate.) And my sister could believe that I ate all of it. And then some other of my family members started to mentioned how much I ate and I felt embarrassed. I felt so fat. I wanted throw up what I ate. That I never all of food. I miss my old body, when I was starving myself. My family was actually worried about me. That I was thinner than my sister, I was sickly pale. The more I look back on it the more I realized how it amazing it was back then. I was thin. Skinny.
Now I'm just thin with a bit of meat. I hate that so much. I need help I know but I'm afaird.
Which is depressing.
