You're only a fool if you give up

Art of starting over

Hans made him see a therapist. Matteo shouted, cried and begged him to leave him alone, but Hans didn't bat an eye on his reaction, made an appointment for him and was now sitting in the waiting room while Matteo was biting his nails in a middle-aged woman's office.

„Hello, Matteo. Do you mind telling me what brings you here?" she asked in a soft voice that Matteo didn't want to hear and sent him a gentle smile that he didn't want to see.

„My friend brought me here."

She seemed surprised at that. She put on a more welcoming smile and answered: „Why did your friend want you to see me?"

Matteo stayed silent for a while. There was a lot going on in his head at the moment. Hans certainly brought him here because he said he wanted to die, but why did he want it? He could blame it on his father leaving them or his mother's depression, but maybe he was just fucked up and that's all it was?

„I've had a hard time recently." he bit his lip and looked at the woman. She kind of reminded him of his mother when she was a few years younger. Light brown curly hair, green eyes focused on him and a comfortable-looking sweater - his mom loved to wear comfy sweaters. „I moved out when I was fifteen. My dad left us and my mom struggled with serious depression and I hated it. She's in therapy though and I guess it's my turn now."

There was a moment of silence that was killing him, but the insecurities taking over his brain got stopped by the woman's voice. „Do you visit her?"

„Not very often." it was hard to admit that. He loved his mommy, he was just too scared she would hate the person he has become. „She got very religious. I think she wouldn't want me to be gay."

Some invisible doors in his mind just got opened. He thought he should tell the woman everything. He owed it to Hans for bringing him here and helping him out everytime for almost three years now.

He cried. Mona, the psychiatrist, asked him questions and encouraged him to tell her more about things that bothered him. It turned out the family stuff hurt, but he got alright with it over the years. He talked about not being able to focus in school, not having any power to get up in the morning and do the things normal people do. She kind of made speaking easier. They only had an hour, but by the end of it she gave him a prescription for pills that should help him sleep and make life more bearable. She also told him to make an appointment with her for the next week, which he did right after saying goodbye and coming out of her office.

Hans shot up from his chair and looked broken, staring at Matteo's swollen eyes and miserable face. He went in for a hug that lasted for a couple of minutes and they both teared up a little.

„Thank you, Hans."

***

It's his third day on medication and he had been restless the whole time. Hans said the pills need some time to start working, but they were supposed to make it better, not worse.

Their relationship got better though. Whenever he wasn't at work, Hans sat there with him, fed him his own food and talked about whatever came to his mind. He also helped him get a sick leave for the whole week at school, so he didn't need to worry about getting thrown out. Matteo appreciated that a lot.

Linn was busy recently doing a florist course, a new hobby of hers, so it was easy to avoid talking to her, even if Matteo planned on it and imagined the conversation probably a thousand times already. He gathered up the courage when she joined them in the living room, looking exhausted but fondly sipping her herbal tea.

„Linn, did you ever take medicine for your depression?"

He could tell she was surprised by the question. Hans also took his eyes off of the TV, but didn't say anything.