Falling Apart

Prologue

Falling Apart

I sat down lightly on the porch with a heavy feeling on my chest.  Truly loving someone is setting them free, letting them go, I tried to remind myself. But no matter how hard I tried this feeling wasn’t to diminish so easily. Deep in I’m terrified what if she never comes back? But she was never mine. Deep in she knows the truth, so do I but……. Lightly I shove in a bottle in my mouth and let the cool taste of alcohol run all over my body. “Letting go is growing up, having the courage to accept change and building strength to keep moving. There are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn and people we can’t live without but have to let go….” Because in the end I can’t choose what to keep so I need to let her go. For it is unfair of me to keep her, it I’d the toughest thing I’d ever done but deep in I know it’s right . She has become like a bird that I have caged that has forgotten how to fly but dreamed of clouds when she closes her eyes. The balmy breeze hit my face rather gently. It was calming – though for just a while. I ran my hand through my hair and let out a small sigh  : Whatever comes let it come , whatever stays let it stay and whatever goes let it go said book but easier said than done I’m failing to understand why am I even holding something that I know is better off let go . It’s like I’m scared to lose what I really don’t even have . A part of me says , have something rather than nothing but the truth is…to have something halfway is harder than not having it at all. I knowI shouldn’t hold her on , I should let her go but I love her too much . Change is never easy, you fight to hold on and you fight to let go. The actual truth is no matter how many frigging high-clichéd quotes we keep on reminding ourselves it’s tough to actually implement them.  In my case, she was long gone , didn’t know when. They say don’t let something that’s long gone continue to control you , it’s time to let go but sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows . It’s just unfair why am I even holding on to toxicity. There are lessons in letting go and moving on. It actually sucks knowing that I need to let her go and I can’t, maybe I’m still waiting for the impossible to happen. Maybe I gotta realize that some people can just stay in my heart and not I’m my life. Maybe she’s one if those. Possibilities. Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future. Not all people in your life are meant to stay.

   As painful as it is to let you go , its more painful to keep you in my life…
So it’s goodbye Ev . Love you forever