Out of My Control [bxb]

Grayson

POV: Grayson

I watch him walk into psychology class. He avoids eye contact with me, but I, so desperately, want to reach out to him. Touch him. Hug him. Hold him.

I miss Reid.

Two months. Two painful months of being without Reid. And it was my fault. I just needed to tell him how I felt and stop being chicken-shit.

It did hurt when he didn't tell me about Preston kissing him. But, thinking about it afterwards, it was probably messing with Reid's anxiety-filled head more than it was bothering me. Now, I'm not saying it was okay for him not to tell me. He should've and I should've told him I loved him and we'd be together right now.

Which is why after school, I'm sulking again about my lack of relationship with the one boy who made me feel like I was actually worth it, like I meant something to this stupid world.

And I let him slip through my fingers and made him think I didn't feel the intense feelings I did feel for him all along.

I'm sitting at the kitchen table, my head laying flat on the wood, being gloomy, when my mom walks in.

"Oh, honey, it hurts me to see you like this," she sits down across from me and places a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Can't you just talk to him?"

"No, mom."

She sighs in that motherly way that you know there's a lecture coming on. And I get one. "Listen, honey, you guys had a lot of miscommunication. Which is okay; you both are so young and still learning. I think the break up was a smart choice for the time being. There was a lot of stress and changes going on for both of you. You needed that time for yourselves. Now that you've had time, you have two options; you can feel sorry for yourself, or you can do something about it. You love him and you couldn't tell him that?"

I nod.

"And you want to tell him now?"

I finally look up at her, "yes, mom, but it doesn't matter." Because he's with Preston. My heart shrivels to dust at the thought. Yeah, I heard the rumors. Reid and Preston are hooking up. Apparently- to Alex at least- Reid isn't romantically interested in Preston. But I don't know, and I wouldn't be able to handle it if Alex was lying about that.

"Why?" My mother questions, looking at me like I spoke nonsense.

A frustrated groan falls from me. "I can't just go up to him and tell him I love him," I tell her with a 'duh' tone that she doesn't deserve.

"That doesn't mean he can't be in your life."

I lay my head back down and mutter, "it's too late."

"It's not, baby," she insists and I want to roll my eyes at her, but I also want to cry. "Start over with him. Ask him to hang out, that you want to be friends."

"I want to be more than friends."

She bops me on the head.

"Hey," I glare at her and rub the top of my head.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something." She gets up and walks away.

*

"What do you want?" I ask when I answer the phone. I'm laying on my bed, feeling sorry for myself and missing Reid.

"That was rude," Alex says matter-of-factly through the phone.

Ugh. "Sorry," I apologize, but I'm not sorry. I'm grumpy and wish I didn't answer the phone.

"It's alright, I just called 'cause I thought you'd be interested to hear that Reid broke it off with Preston."

I sit up in my bed. By 'it' Alex is referring to Reid and Preston's 'friends with benefits' relationship. "Really?" I question, hating my heart for beating quicker.

"Mhm. They're over."

"I'll talk to you later," I tell Alex, but before I hang up, I say, "Thank you. Tell Kurtis I say 'hey'," and I hang up.

This changes things. This changes everything.

*

I'm so fucking nervous. Why am I nervous? So what, Reid is standing a few feet away from you and your alone together in a room and the tension is unbelievably high and you want to grab his face and kiss him!?

So what? Stop acting like a nervous wreck! Like you're going through withdraws.

But I feel like I am. I've been longing for Reid since he broke up with me and him being here in this counselor's office, I wanna take him and get hooked all over again.

Okay, just like mom said; start over and be his friend.

I look at him, he looks at me with questioning eyes, I take a deep breath and open my mouth.

I chicken out and turn away.

Fuck, how do I do this? How do I be friends with him when I just want to hold his hand and kiss him. Tell him I love him.

Friend first. I turn back to him, "Do you wanna hang out sometime?" I ask, my entire insides are shaking, craving to touch him. Craving to love him.

Reid looks at a lose of words by my question. I don't blame him, it was pretty random. "Uh, y-yeah," I almost smile; I missed his awkward stutter. He coughs as if that would help, "Yeah. Yeah. Tha- that would- would be nice, um, cool," he nods.

I want to kiss him so badly. "Cool," I smile, but it's a nervous smile, afraid I'll mess up again.

"Grayson Clarke?" I turn my head to see my counselor step out of her office and a student walking out.

I nod and walk towards her, but before going into her room, I turn back to Reid, trying to scrub up some confidence, "I'll text you," and I wink at him.

**

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