New Guy: A Person of Interest/30 Rock Crossover

New Guy

               "No, no, no." Liz Lemon pressed her hand to her forehead in frustration. "You're supposed to be a dumb country redneck in this sketch, not some Wall Street socialite! You need to talk with an accent, like: 'Howdy, stranger!'"

The stone-faced man on stage looked confused, a fact not helped by the overalls he was wearing and the pitchfork gripped in his hand. "Howdy stranger." He answered in a monotone.

"Blerg." Liz groaned. "Okay, how about we take a short break. Back in five, people!"

The crowd on stage slowly started to disperse, pages running up to provide people with coffee and/or biscuits. Frank and Jeff started arguing about whether the monkey on the wagon was going over the top, and Tracy walked over to sweet-talk the makeup girl.

Jenna appeared from backstage. "Hey Liz." She whispered. "Where's the cute new guy?"

"Him? Ugh, he's on stage." Liz answered, gesturing vaguely. "And for the record, I still think this is a terrible idea."

"Liz, not all of us need to accept dying alone and unloved." Jenna answered, smiling. "Some of us still have some charms we can actually use. Wish me luck!"

"Break a leg." Liz answered, making a face at Jenna's retreating back. Really, the cowgirl costume? If this guy's skill at acting rednecks was any indication, she doubted he'd be interested in a country girl, no matter how much skin she was showing.

"How's it going, Lemon?"

"Gah!" Liz spun around to confront Jack Donaughy. "You! Stop doing that! And, for your information, it's going terribly! That new actor you sprung on me has all the expression of a washboard!"

Jack seemed to consider this. "I find that hard to believe. His sponsor was willing to pay quite a lot to get him on the air."

"Yeah, well, just because someone has a butt-load of money doesn't mean they're actually GOOD at anything!" Liz responded.

"Don't start talking nonsense, Lemon, you're not old enough yet to get away with senility." Jack shook his head. "Money means a person is good at SOMETHING, even if it's only getting born into the right family or having the right kind of sexual prowess with the right sorts of people. And it's much more reliable than skill or talent or hard work or any of those things you're always going on about."

"Like integrity?" Liz glared at him.

"Especially integrity." Jack froze suddenly. "Lemon." He hissed, grabbing her arm and pulling her back into the shadows. "Who's that silver-haired man in the overalls?"

"That guy?" asked Liz incredulously, looking at her boss with disbelief. "That's Mr. Born-Into-the-Right-Family that we were just talking about. Are you saying you sprung him on me and didn't even bother to meet him yourself?"

"No, no..." Jack shook his head, still staring at the man. Spinning Liz around, he gripped both of her shoulders. "Lemon." He said intently. "What have I always told you about what to do when meeting new people?"

Liz thought for a moment. "Never trust anyone who smiles?"

"The other one."

"Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes?"

"Getting closer."

"Have a plan to fight anyone you ever meet?"

"Yes!" Jack nodded. "Always make a plan to fight anyone you ever meet! I've sworn by it ever since I had to cage-fight Bob Dole, and I'm telling you now, Lemon..." He cast another glance up at the stage. "...I would not want to fight that man."