Dysphoria night

Gender Dysphoria

Crying- no Sobbing is a better way to explain- sobbing in my bedroom in the middle of the night. home alone while my parents were out. Alone in a blue room bluer than normal. Not wanting to get up just wanting to lay down forever. Having this anger, this sadness, Wondering why must I look this way, why must I sound like this, why I can't have a flat chest, why can't I have a deeper voice. Dodging phone calls left and right from my friends not wanting to talk and trying to explain why I feel this way. throwing things at the wall that has the "girl" vibes the things that make me seem more "girly". Tearing/ cutting up the dresses I own. having this feeling that I don't fit in and don't belong. throwing the clothes I own that seem girly in my trash can. One by one less and fewer clothes. Only 2 outfits that seemed to fit me seemed to make me happy. I thought about chopping off all my hair just to have short hair to feel a more masculine feeling but I know only that will get me in trouble. Feeling like I am in this box that has nothing, it's dark inside so dark I can't see a thing. I don't want to drink water, not wanting to eat even though I hadn't eaten much that day. Not knowing why I feel this way. Why do I feel sad when I hear my "name" or hear someone saying she or her. Feeling like I am choking on words, choking on the words "I'm a boy". Hearing someone call me him or he made me happy but that wasn't often, it was rare. Dressing like a "boy" hearing my mom say "you look like a boy" I know that meant something bad but it made me happy, hearing people say you look like a guy or boy made me happy made me feel great about myself. thinking about the times when I was Looking at the boy's clothes at the store whenever I got the chance, workers came up to me saying the girl clothes are over there. Seeing the shirts and pants I like in the store but not being able to buy them because of my mom. my mind was a mess, it was just scribbled only the bad times. my thoughts were all over the place all I see were my words. thinking about times I was called something I didn't want to be called. the weight on my chest is getting heavier and heavier. Feeling I might throw up by even the sight of my body, the body I don't belong in, the body that wasn't for me, the body god gave me was wrong, it didn't fit right, it didn't feel like I was supposed to get this body, this body was a mistake. It Finally hit 3 am. but it felt like it was only 1 am. Getting one last call from my friend I wanted to ignore it but I knew I needed help, I needed to talk to someone, I needed to rant, I needed to vent, get this weight off my unwanted chest. That night I ended up having a panic attack. I freaked, I had a mental breakdown, I had no one but that's only something I thought, I had friends, I had people that would help but there was the voice "people don't care about your problems" the voice got louder and louder but I ignored the voice. I picked up my phone I slid the answer button. The call connected all you can see was my face, eyes puffy, eyes red as a tomato, nose stuffy, tears rolling down my face. I ranted for the rest of the night telling my friend how I feel telling her about every single thing that made me sad made me feel horrible about myself. It hit 7 am and I fell asleep on the phone. I woke up at the sound of dogs barking. Dysphoria night that's what I called that night. Dysphoria night
-Finny