Smoke & Mirrors

Chapter 6: The Fallout

Elliot laid Allison onto the king sized four poster bed and took in the sight of her body against the emerald-green backdrop of his bedding. She stared back at him with a million thoughts swirling around in her mind. Her stare turned from lust to confusion the longer he starred at her without moving or saying anything. The voices in her head took over reminding her that no one would ever love her, that even if he wanted her now that would change with time. Her breathing quickened and panic filled her chest, she contemplated telling him to stop but the fear of him rejecting her after they had already gone this far filled her with dread. If she stopped now, he might tell her to leave and where would she go, Allison could feel the fire behind her eyes as the tears began to form

***

Elliot's heart fell hard when he saw the tears that threatened the edges of Allison's eyes, and he knew they were moving too fast. He took her hands and lifted her hand to a sitting position and turned around while he removed his t-shirt and passed it behind his back to Allison. He waited a moment and when he was sure she had enough time to get it on he turned around to face her. His eyes full of guilt and fear that he had moved to quickly and lost his chance.

"Allison." he spoke softly.

Allison's head hung in embarrassment; her dark hair covered her face as the tears fell faster now. He watched her shoulders shake as her tears turned to into heart-wrenching sobs.

***

His shirt felt warm on Allison's skin as she pulled it over her head covering her naked torso. Am I so unattractive that he wants me to cover my body before we continue. Her mind spit every nasty thing her ex-fiancée said to her repeatedly until she could no longer hold her head up and she let out the tears she had been trying to contain. Elliot moved closer to her and sat next to her on the bed, and she realized that he didn't want her anymore, their moment had expired. Elliot's rejection turned up the volume on the menacing voices reminding her that she would never be good enough for someone like him. So why would I try, she thought.

She felt Elliot's hands consume hers affectionately in their warmth and the voices began to fade, until she couldn't hear them anymore. She couldn't lift her head to look at him, so she listened to his breathing until hers mirrored his and tears stopped. When she stopped shaking Elliot began to speak.

"I am sorry, I moved to fast. I got caught up in the moment, and I lost myself. I should..." He started to apologize.

"You think this is your fault?" She asked surprised at his apology.

"Yes, I do. You were in a vulnerable place as much as I wanted to kiss you and trust me, I did want too. I should have waited." his voice full of regret.

"I kissed you..." she lifted her eyes, to meet his.

"Well, if you want to get technical, you leaned in, and I kissed you." a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, and Allison flushed a pale pink.

"If you want to get technical, I didn't stop you." She teased. Elliot and Allison laughed in unison, and the uncomfortable tension dissipated. "So, why did you stop? Why did you give me your shirt?" she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer, but the question came out before she could stop it.

"Your face, I am not sure what you were thinking but you got scared. I wasn't going to be with you like that." he looked into her eyes for validation of his observation and when her gaze fell to her hands, he knew he was right. "What happened, what were you thinking about?" he watched her search for the right words and before long she spoke.

"I was thinking I wasn't good enough for you. That while you were looking at me you were seeing everything I see." Allison spoke with honesty, even as the tears began to drop from her eyes once more. "The longer you just stood there, the more I thought you were rethinking what we were doing. I am so fucked up." Allison wanted to bring her hands to her face to stop the tears and hide the shame that filled her up, but Elliot's held them steady. They hit her bare legs leaving tiny puddles behind.