Life after

Alex

Trigger warning!!! Self harm and Ed!!

"It's not your fault, it's not your fault" I try to convince myself. I look down at the razor in my hand, the other side of me fights back, "You killed people and you can't handle some little cuts?" Closing my eyes, I press the razor against my thigh, not on the wrist, I can't make it to obvious. I feel the stinging, I love the stinging, I want the stinging. I dig my fingers into the deep cut again, again and again. It hurts more when I do it, I deserve more hurt. I cut more and more and more. No more space on my thighs. Hips. My hips hurt more, my hips burn more, I deserve it on my hips more. To distracted in my pain, I don't notice my alarm going off for the first few seconds, I run to turn it off, which burns even more. I grab healing paste from under my bed and smear it over my cuts. I don't want to, I want the pain to last forever, but my friend can't find out.

It's lunch, lunch means friends, lunch also means food. I'm skinny, I know that, I have zero idea why I starve myself but I do. I don't know weather it because I'm self conscious or depressed or self sabotaging, but I just I hate food. Scratch that I don't have it I'm just scared of it. I'm pathetic honestly, me? The 17 year old girl who defected Aven? Now the 18 year old girl whose an annoying suicidal bitch who can barely eat a meal a day. Like I said, pathetic.
"Alex! Are you going to eat that?" A hungry Jordan asks, pointing at my burger. I shake my head and shove the plate towards him, he smilies gratefully. He's the only one who hasn't caught on to me not eating, honestly I wish nobody knew. Kaiden, Bear, Dix and Declan are always trying to confront me about it. I'm surprised they haven't told Jordan yet. Dix shots Jordan a look he raises his shoulders in return, obviously confused. She shakes her head at him.

"Oh Alex!" Jordan exclaims, as if he just remembered something. "We totally forgot to ask you this." We are in Kaidens and Declan's room, much bigger than the rest of our rooms. "Shut up Jordan." Bear hisses Jordan once again look clueless and shrugs. "I'll ask her" Dix says, rolling her eyes "So we were wondering, you know how we are always talking about wanting to go to Freya and stuff, we'll, you know you could take us there! Just for 2 weeks or a few . Please, we already asked Daruis and he said it's fine." I always knew they would ask my this somebody and I already know my answer. They think I'm going to say no, I can tell by there faces. Declan gives me puppy dogs eyes, it looks hilarious on his masculine face. Just to increase the suspense, I wait a few seconds before answering. With a smile I tell them "Sure, I don't see why not."

Yeah so Alex's story rn is kinda depressing but she's going to improve and get better!