It's been a few months since I last wrote something in here, it just didn't feel right,like Gia said, but today there is something different, something that makes me feel "happy" and anxious at the same time, after a long time BTS will give a concert in this city and I'm thinking how i'm going to tell Leo about it, I mean, he respects my musical tastes, but he doesn't approve of them, I'm sure he'll say I'm crazy, but I have to be there, I really have to be there, Yes, maybe it is something vain that I am happy about this, but this is what people do not understand, they have filled a little bit that emptiness that I feel, thanks to them I can forget and laugh even for a moment, every time I listen to their songs something changes in me, every day I feel in a better mood, every day I see things in a different way, they make me laugh, they me cry, they help me understand That I Need to forget myself, that it wasnt my fault, and i think i'm getting there.... Although Leo remains the same, as if I do not exist, I know he loves me, and that everything he does is for us, but work is not everything, I need him too ... or...
I needed him.
It's been 1 year since we had a serious conversation,After our loss, we became strangers, we don't talk about our relationship, and have sex? It seems that in this house it is forbidden, the last time he touched me was when I got pregnant, that's why i hate my body It makes me feel like he doesn't like it anymore, I blamed myself so many times.
Hani's POV
This day I woke up very early, I fixed myself a little, I had not done it for months, I prepared breakfast and wrote a little in that forgotten diary while I waited for Leo, I was so nervous, I wanted him to notice that I was better, that I had fixed myself, that I had cooked something delicious Just like i usted to do before, the concert was the cherry on the cake and it wasn't like I was going to ask him for money, I had my savings from when I worked.
I was finishing writing when I heard the door, I got up and went to him.
"Hi babe, how was work?"
" Boring Like always"
"Oh, come sit down and have breakfast, it's ready "
He turned to see me with such a strange look, that it froze me and I did not know what else to do or say, I just lowered my gaze and my eyes filled with tears, until I heard the sound of the chair being dragged And there was Leo sitting waiting for his food, I quickly served his plate, coffee and everything he needed. Before he started eating, he looked at me, smiled and said, "you look pretty", That was all I needed to feel better than ever, I approached him and kissed him, without thinking that this emotion would last very little.
"Don't start please Hani, I'm tired, let me eat in peace"
My mood, self-esteem and emotion fell to the ground again, I just sat down and watched him while he ate, before he finished I don't know how I got my courage and dropped the bomb
"You know babe, BTS will give a concert here ..." He didn't even let me finish
"And you want to go? Don't give me nonsense Hani, one thing is for you to listen to their songs, quite another for you to go out with this Ridiculousness, also don't Even think that I would give you money for something so childish, now I understand everything, all this time that supposedly you felt bad it was a drama of yours alone, right?"
" What are you saying? No. Leo please listen to me "
"Enough Hani! I don't want to hear another word, I can't believe you'll go so far, to pretend like that that you were suffering the loss of our baby! . What a coincidence that now that they are going to be here you feel good, I didn't know that they had magical powers and could heal a person so quickly, WOW, I can't believe that you've done this Hani, In that case, I would have to go to that concert, to thank them for giving me back my wife" If only he had paid a little attention the previous months, he would have realized how little by little I was recovering my life, but he did not, he did not realize that I was Suffering but I was also Trying.
"You know, Leo? even if you say it sarcastically, you should, you should be grateful that thanks to the message of their songs,Today I am better, thanks to them I am learning to love myself again, thanks to their music, today I can smile again, and no Leo, they do not have magical powers, But what they do have is a great heart and empathy and they know that there are many people like me, that need them to continue and they know that there are many people like me who we're able to get out of the abyss thanks to them and that is why they keep working and that is why they continue to send positive messages and messages of love, love for others and self-love " I said all this almost in a whisper and with tears in my eyes.
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF HANI? YOU ALREADY LOST YOUR REASON, THE ANSWER IS NO, YOU WILL NOT GO TO THAT CONCERT, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT AND STOP THIS BULLSHIT NOW" And with these last words he got up and went to his room leaving me shocked and wondering if he was right in everything he said, did I lose my mind? Why is that concert so important? if it's just that, a concert, but no, this Is not just about the concert, of course i want to go, but his words are the ones that hurt the most, why can't he understand me, why is it so hard for him to ask if I'm okay? I know he suffers too, we are living our own separate hell, why can't we move on together?
I have to talk to someone, so I call the only person who has been with me and who understands me because she went through the same thing, my one and only friend Gia. Thank God I have her, otherwise I don't know what I would do at times like this.
ESTÁS LEYENDO
WHEN IT'S WRONG... BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD
FanficWhat happens when your dream comes true? What happens when he makes you feel like you can touch the stars? again you feel loved, again you feel wanted , but You know You can't live like this forever, Are you willing to leave everything for what...