I Lied, I Do Love You

Part 1

            "I feel like an imposter." Lourdes's words hung heavy in the air for a moment and instantly Michaela's stomach was in knots. She was always protective of her friends and right now, to protect Lourdes's feelings, she felt like she had to deny her truth and instead lie right to one of her best friend's faces.

As she opened her mouth, hesitating, she realized she didn't want to lie about this. Lying about her feelings and pushing herself to the side like this would only hurt herself more. She deserved to feel what she felt and acknowledge it. She could feel these things and still do her best to not get in the way of Jared and Lourdes's marriage. Couldn't she?

Fighting her own selfish feelings, she was going to tell Lourdes she intended to say no because all of her trauma was too much to handle and she didn't think she deserved something so great, someone so great like Jared. Instead of outright denial of her truth and feelings, it was something that was more akin to the truth that tumbled out with only a thin veil to hide behind. "I- Lourdes you are not an imposter. The way I feel has nothing to do with the love that the two of you made. It doesn't matter what I was going to say or not say because I was gone."

Lourdes was a smart girl, and Michaela watched her emotions flicker over her face as she listened. They seemed to be caught on something and she said, "The way you feel?" Her brows furrowed and looked like she was almost trembling. "The way you feel?" she repeated, "You say the way you feel shouldn't affect my marriage, but it does Michaela, it does. It does because you still love him. It does because he still loves you. It does because you were going to say yes. It does because everyone has always known it's Jared and Michaela. Jared and Michaela who are perfect for each other, Jared and Michaela who love each other so completely. Jared and Michaela who are soulmates." Tears were spilling and Michaela tried to comfort her friend who was keeping her at arm's length. "Not Jared and Lourdes." She shook her head, "Never Jared and Lourdes. Even at my own wedding all I heard was whispers of you Michaela. MY wedding to Jared, not yours."

"I'm sorry Lourdes, I'm so sorry." Her own tears welled up in her eyes, one of her best friends in the world was in pain and it was all her fault. It was all her fault, and she didn't know what to do. "What can I do-?" she tried to reach her friend again, looking for some way to relieve this.

Again, Lourdes smacked her hands away, shoving roughly. "You can go away." she snapped, turning angry instead of devastated. "I was very happy. Jared was finally starting to be happy. WE were happy. We were happy together without you." Her chest constricted as she took in her friend's words.

"It would have been better for everyone if I'd stayed dead." she admitted, resigned. "It's been right there in front of me this whole time and I didn't want to admit it. All of your lives were better without me in it and I swung back in and ruined it all." She paused, silence hung between them. "I'll find a way to create some distance. I don't want to break things more than I already have." If Michaela would have looked up she would have seen some regret and sadness in Lourdes's eyes, but she refused to make eye contact, knowing she'd feel even more like the homewrecker she was if she did. Instead she bit her lip, finishing her promise before turning and fleeing her friend and her soulmate's home, ignoring Lourdes's voice calling her to wait.

That night wasn't the first time Michaela cried herself to sleep since she got off that plane, but it was the first in a while. She thought she was finally getting back into something that resembled her life before. If simply making it home by an unexplainable miracle caused this much pain, she could only wonder how much pain she caused simply by existing in her own life before. That was the final thought that haunted her dreams as she finally drifted off to a fitful sleep.