I Lied, I Do Love You

Part 3

            A steady beeping met her ears as she came to, a voice in her head that sounded like her own whispering "Wake up." Muted shuffling and hissing angry voices wafted to her as she tried to ignore them in favor of keeping her eyes shut just a little longer.

"We just got her back-"

"She just tried to-"

"You don't know that-"

"I can't lose her again-"

"Why didn't we see this-"

"Wake up." Her own voice said louder this time before yelling it with such intensity that she gasped and sat straight up. Blurry vision swimming in front of her as she fought to catch her breath, find something to ground her. A familiar scent of leather and warm spices hit her nose and she latched onto it like a lifeline, finding her fingers curling into a warm sweater that had accompanied it to her. Long fingers stroked the back of her head as she continued to gasp and fight for her breath. "It's okay Mick. I've got you. You're okay." As she held on she finally made the connection to why the smell, the touch, the voice were all familiar.

"Jared." her own voice cracked quietly amongst the beeping and people rushing about outside what she now knew was a hospital room. "What happened?"

"What do you mean what-" he looked angry when he backed up and kept her at arm's length, his fingers still in her hair and on her wrist - her pulsepoint she remembered somewhere in the back of her brain. His anger seemed to fade seeing her eyes were filled with frightened tears. "Mick- I- tell me what you remember." he pleaded softly.

Lourdes peered over his shoulder, and suddenly Michaela felt like she couldn't breathe all over again. "I-I-" she stuttered out the words, "something to do with water, I think?"

"You think?" Lourdes almost sneered at the woman who had been her best friend for years. "You think-?" she looked angry and Michaela shrank back from her. "You go and jump off of a bridge for attention and you have the nerve to act like you don't know what you did?"

"I-what-?" Michaela stumbled, unable to find the words to respond.

"Lourdes." Jared's voice was gentle as he looked over his shoulder at her, "That's not what happened."

"Like hell it's not!" she almost screamed at him, daggers still aimed directly at Michaela.

"Lourdes!" he turned his torso to try to look her directly in the eyes. "There were witnesses, Lourdes! Mick didn't jump!"

"Yeah, sure she didn't Jared. Sure she didn't." she snarled back before giving her one last scathing look and leaving the room as though her other long-time best friend hadn't almost died today. She was treating Michaela like a pariah ever since she came back and Jared began to talk to her and about her again. It was as though the miracle that brought her back was really a curse.

"You didn't jump." he whispered when he turned back around to see her staring after Lourdes, seeing her jump as the door slammed shut. "Someone thought you were going to jump and when they yelled at you, you twisted your ankle as you turned around. That's how you ended up in the water." He continues to speak softly. "But Mick, why in the hell were you up on that ledge? What were you doing? What were you thinking?"

"I-" her bottom lip quivered as she averted her eyes. "I went to the river to think." she answered after a moment. "I climbed up there to get a good view of the water. When I was up there I just started pacing." She stared down at her lap, all too aware that even now, her fingers still gripped his shirt tightly, his hands still in her hair and on her wrist. Even as Lourdes had screamed at her, all but called her a dirty liar and homewrecker, he had never let her go. Not once.

"I'm going to need a bit more than that Mick." he finally moved his fingers from her hair only to tilt her chin up so he could meet her eyes. "You told the captain you weren't feeling well. You used up all your sick days. You were supposed to be coming back to the precinct today, partner." Biting her lip, she tried to avert her gaze again only for him to tug on her chin, reminding her to meet his eyes.

"Michaela." His voice was husky with emotion, clouded with worry, and all of it was for her. "Michaela, whatever it was that pulled you up on that ledge today, you almost died." Sorrow bled into the mix. "Do you understand me, Mick? Do you? I could have lost you again today. I could have lost you." His voice was thick now and she heard as much as saw the tears well up in his eyes. "I could have lost you. Mick, I can't lose you. I can't go through losing you again. I can't. I can't. I can't." By the end he was leaning into her, embracing her tightly, face buried in the juncture between her shoulder and neck, sobbing.

When he pulled back, she saw the streaks his tears had left and realized she too had started to cry, hearing his pain.

"I-I" she tried to start a sentence while he cupped her cheek in his palm now. "Jared, I was just up there to think." Michaela attempted to blink away the tears. "I-"

"About what Michaela? What was so important it caused you to avoid me for over a week?" his lips thinned as he tried yet again to pull it from her. When she glanced over his shoulder as though she was looking for Lourdes, it began to dawn on him. It wasn't him, it was her. It was Lourdes. "What did she say to you?" Jared asked somberly.

"I- It's not- she didn't-" she denied but when she met his eyes, she couldn't continue denying him the truth, her truth. It was what her callings had told her to do the whole month and a half she'd been back, tell the truth. Not just any truth, her truth. And her truth was that she deeply, irrevocably, insensibly loved Detective Jared Vasquez. "She feels like an imposter in her own life, Jared." she admitted to him, "All because I came back." Her voice seemed raw and cracked, even to her own ears. "Everyone would be so much better off if I hadn't shown up again. Your lives would be better, simpler. Nobody would have to figure out a way to fit me back into everything. I shouldn't be here Jared, I shouldn't. I shouldn't be here and all of your lives are screwed up because I am."

Michaela was angrily sobbing now, the tears leaving streaks down her cheeks just as Jared's had done to him. "I didn't jump off that bridge today, Jared. I didn't, but I thought about it. It'd be an easy way to take me right back out of the equation, return all your lives to something resembling normalcy. Lourdes wouldn't feel like an imposter, and I wouldn't be invading other people's lives, taking things that don't belong to me anymore." Turning away from his shocked expression she pulled her knees up to her chest with an arm wrapped around them, her free hand fisting in her hair painfully "It's all wrong. I'm all wrong. I shouldn't be here." she sobbed, "I shouldn't."

Instead of fleeing the room, the detective pulled the wounded girl right back into his arms, wrapping them tightly around her in an attempt to comfort her, show her just how much he wanted her here though he had just told her. "No, Mick. You're right where you should be."