Help (Short Story)

Pain

Sometimes I really hate myself, but not because I made a stupid decision or anything like that just randomly out of nowhere I just will start hating myself.

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Madness crawls up my body, starting from my stomach into my mind peering through my gaze with an attentiveness that could shatter most.

Mick, " Are you ok?" She asks me in a manner that I don't think she wants a real answer.

"I'm fabulous, just living the dream" I say through a smile that doesn't reach my eyes.

She gives me a cursory glance and smiles back. "You know I wish I had your positive outlook all the time."

Fake smile still in tack I shrug "takes time I just don't let things stress me out anymore" I say with a mock peacefulness that most can't see.

She leaves and the madness remains.

I'm angry then I'm sad then I'm unusually happy, everyday these fantom emotions haunt me and everyday my strength weakens.

Am I ok? Should I talk to someone?

No. I'm fine just stress... right?

I'm splitting right down the middle, but some days are really sad. So sad that I can't even call them sadness it's despair, but over what?

I truly don't know there isn't a reason there isn't a source I just am. The thought of dying doesn't scare me like it should anymore, but it'd be selfish of me to take any action because I have people who love me... right?

Yes. Yes, I do and for that thought to even slither in my head I'm disgusted but not with myself. With the unknown force that makes me feel this way, because I love loving people and making them feel at home because I have a home no matter how lost I get within this madness I chant 'they love me, they love me, they love me.'

Because in my right mind I know they do and I even love myself , but lately I've been questioning that love for no fucking reason.