sad/love imagines :(:

Suicidal friend

Recently I've been trying to move on from this boy I've been seeing (well Atleast was) we were never dating,  everyone thought we were, i guess you could say we had a close bond or just knew each other very well. We could look at each other and INSTANTLY knew what we were both thinking. my mum had my engagement planned to him since we were kids i swear to god. We made so many memories with each other like going for ice cream, kicking a football around, making a pillow fort and staying out late partying by ourselves till the sun came up but he had been battling some storms he never told me about.

He called me while i was in the shower, half way through getting ready to go out and see him. I was going to tell him that i loved him, adored him and wanted to tell him that he was so important to me that i couldn't live without him. I called him back, no answer. Called him again, again no answer.
I was honestly getting so concerned.
So i pulled up outside his house and honked the horn. He normally came out and told me how much he missed me.. only he didn't
I ran out, left the car running and all and burst through the door, only to find him laying in a pool of blood right in front of me.

I was in a state of shock. i fell to my knees and tried to cover the blood up with cloth to stop him from bleeding heavily, but i knew it was no help
I was vulnerable without him, he was my rock, he was everything I knew I could lean on, he knew every little thing about me like nobody else did. I didn't know what to do, I called 999 and cried down the phone to tell them to hurry and get here already. I heard the ambulance coming so I just sat there with him calling out his name to make sure he was still alive. As tears rolled down my incredibly miserable face I held his hand and kept telling him and myself 'everything is gonna be just fine'

I had hope that he could still hear me, I knew he could...  the ambulance arrived and I was full of tears and sadness, I felt guilty and knew it was my fault if I only had of picked up that goddamn phone of mine. I was sitting in the ambulance beside him I held his hand while I was putting my head down praying that he was gonna be okay. I was sitting there talking to him calling his name out and telling him he was gonna be okay while being in a mood full of tears and agony that i had just lost one of the people that matter most to me.

I was fighting with the doctors, arguing back and forwards to let me in the room he was in so I burst through the door and he was laying there half dead already I didn't know what to do. The doctors were giving him CPR and all I knew was that I could stand there and do nothing.
All the memories came flooding back, it made me drop to my knees and sob so hard i became really numb. I started blaming myself when the doctors came back and told me that he didn't make it from the amount of blood he had lost. I just lost it, I felt so angry at myself that I thought committing suicide was the only way to end the pain and guilt, the only way i could drown my sorrows. I knew I could be with him but I knew he didn't want that for me but I was in too much pain that I couldn't handle myself anymore and I got to the point where I didn't know what to do I was that vulnerable and that's my biggest fear. I didn't know what to do without him...