I sit back and think of all the questions trying to find the answers to them by myself.
Why?
What was the reason?
Why did he think that was okay?
Did I do it to myself?
Did I ask for this to happen?
These questions are only the few that are chosen from an infinite list where there are many more.
I never know how to deal with the pain.
I get the flashbacks and find myself disgusted with not only him, but with me too.
Why am I punishing myself for something that was out of my control?
Why am I letting him win me over?
It wasn't supposed to happen.
I wasn't supposed to be there.
It wasn't my fault.
I was a child, an innocent and pure hearted child.
But, when am I going to let it go?
Am I ever going to heal?
Will I be able to ever feel how I felt before?
Walking around with this shame inside for 5 years now.
It affected everything in my life.
I went on a spree of exploring and looking for a feeling because I was so numb.
To not even wanting to be touched because any type of touch would just remind me of the feeling I felt that very day.
I will never forget, I will never be able to move on.
The feeling of my buttoned jeans being pulled down and leaving rash on my skin.
My hair being pulled asking me if I wanted more.
His body weight forced on top of me while I'm trying so hard to lift him up.
Those are the memories I carry with me every single day.
How could I let this happen?
Why didn't I stick up for myself?
Why am I not victimizing myself?
I never spoke out, I didn't tell the people that should've been told.
I have a select group of friends who know what happened to me, but not the extent.
I see him walking around my town, smiling and living his life like he never did anything wrong.
Oh, but God knows.
God knows the brutal and disgusting person that he is.
God knows the horrific and nasty things he has done.
I wonder if there ever was anyone else.
I wonder if he has ever done something so brutal to someone else, someone like me.
I've thought about coming out, countless of times, but what good would it do now?
This happened years ago and nothing would change.
Only thing that would, is my reputation.
I would be known as the girl that got raped.
He would temporarily be known as a rapist, because men always get their way.
I would be called delusional and a liar, because it's my word against his, and nothing good happens to girls like me.
I wish I could go back to that day, and pick a different route.
I wish I could just forget, and move on and live my life how I always imagined it.
This wasn't supposed to be my journey, and this isn't how I was supposed to end up.
