stories.

short story three.

3.

i'm sad.

you traded your children for vodka bottles.
i don't understand how you don't see how much we are hurting because of your selfish decisions.
i thought once you found out you had the miracle of life inside your stomach, that your instincts would kick in.
i was wrong.
i knew i was wrong when you dropped us off at grandmas house, and you wouldn't return for what seemed like weeks.
dad was never home, and at first i thought it was because of his job... but then i realized it was all because of you.
i lost my mom and my dad in the same day.
you used to tell me how much dad didn't want us anymore, that he met someone new with replacement kids. i believed you.
why wouldn't i?
i realized that i had lost you when i was 14 and you watched me walk out the door, even in your sober state you wouldn't have saved me. i know that now.
i had to walk out of that door in front of my younger sisters. i was kicked out.
she tried to come with me, and you wouldn't have stopped her either. so i did, i stepped up to the plate.
when i was 15 i realized how little i meant to you. just to have me back, just to prove you'd do anything for me and you failed.
a drug test was too much to ask.
you didn't believe me, when i told you what your nephew did to me. i know you said you believed me, but i knew in your eyes you wouldn't. 'this is just a phase, she just wants my attention'
you don't understand and you've never understood.
you lost your mom to death, i lost mine while she was still alive.
i'm sorry i couldn't be the kid you wanted, i'm sorry i couldn't be the kid you needed, but i was the kid you got and i'm not sorry for that, because that is on you.
i have apologized for everything i've done, and yet you've never apologized for what you've done.
i don't understand, and while you are blocked i'm praying that you are actually still trying to text me. i'm just too scared to unblock you and find out that you haven't been bothered at all.
all i ever wanted was for you to care, to try, to stop lying to the people that just want to help you.
but that's too much to ask.
so now i lay here, broken hearted, because i will never be enough for you.
i'm just so sorry that my sister has to go through the same thing, just because you can't pull yourself together.
i'm sorry i couldn't tell you where i was in the hospital, i didn't want to feel like i owed you for coming to see me.
i am not your problem anymore, so anything that happens to me is on me.
not anyone else.
i know i almost died and that people think i'm handling it like a pro, but just a blink of an eye or a day late and i wouldn't have made it.
i really wish you were in a good mindset mom, because i really would have liked a familiar face after my surgery.
i hope i'm okay now, i don't want my sister to lose another important family member.
i didn't want her to have to go through this world alone.
how would your mom feel?
how would she feel about completely ditching us because your false claim of true love?
would she be happy? or sad? mad? maybe even baffled?