Inside My Head

What They Didn't Tell. 1.

   In childhood adults warn us about a lot of things. They try to protect us from the "big, bad world". There are these common phrases such as "Don't take candies from strangers" or "Don't talk with strangers". They warn us about the danger of the unknown. Teach us to be scared from the dark or old, scary men with mean smiles.
  I grew up knowing that there are certain things and people I need to be afraid of...need to keep a distance from them.
  But what about the ones we know? At my age, when I am not seen as a kid anymore and when the way men look at me makes me uncomfortable, I don't feel safe anymore. And often I feel stuck because I don't know what to do.
  No one warns that your charming prince, the one you've been waiting for-with the light eyes and the brilliant smile, might just be nice to you till he gets you in bed. Or that the words "I love you" might just be a way to make you trust someone enough to give yourself away.
  When I was a kid, I believed that by the age of 17 I will have found my "perfect" boy. The boy I'd marry one day and live happily ever after. But what does it mean to find your "perfect" and the "only one" in today's society where most of the people have commitment issues and are only searching for one-night stands? How to find someone when you're born in a century where avoiding, ignoring, lying, and overall - using, has become a normal thing? Where the bare minimum of decency is called "simping".
   I expected a lot of things. I knew there would be ups and downs in my life or that I need to fight for what I want but I certainly wasn't prepared to be seen as an object. And it hurts. I want to be seen as more than just my body. I just want someone to see me. The real me. I often hear compliments. And it's nice of course, especially if you're insecure. It indeed boosts confidence. But I wish they would see something more. I wish someone would say how interesting I am or how good is my humour feeling. I want someone to ask my favourite color or what makes me happy...
  My mother used to tell me stories about her high school boyfriends. How they held hands or sent love letters. And I'm pretty sure that was what I expected - a nice, loving partner who'd accept me for who I am and fill me with love. No one warned me that I might be seen as a pray for some preditors. And that all this nice attitude will suddenly be gone once they get what they wanted. I had this clear, pure perception of what is love and this wasn't what I was expecting at all.
  As a kid, you see things black and white. Life mostly seems pretty simple, there isn't space for long-planned vicious aims for how to use someone. No one taught me about how someone can only act like they care or like me and that it doesn't necessarily mean they do.
  Later on , I  was left many times, thinking what did I do wrong, why did the people who said they love me so suddenly got cold and vanished. It took me a while to realize it wasn't anything I had done and that their intention was never to stay in the first place. And when this happens to you... For several times, it causes trust issues and where does that lead us? We slowly lose conscience and start using others too. And this is how the cycle is created.
  As I realized just a couple of weeks ago when I talked with some ghosts from my past, the same people who hurt me with their lies had been hurt the same way long ago. So all it takes is a broken heart.
  For a while I started seeing other people as objects, something without feelings because I simply stopped believing they could feel too, not just pretend. I had gotten so used to being lied to and seeing people faking emotions that I began thinking others aren't capable of feeling emotions. Any of them. And it took me long to convince myself that it's not true, yet I'm still working on it. Because the truth is , this world is full of good liars and you never know if the person is honest or not till it's too late. And in a place full of people who are unable to give love, you slowly start feeling unlovable yourself.
   I think, nowadays when you can see manipulation and abuse much more than love, it's common to start feeling maybe that is love.
  I look at my past and see people who told me they love me making me hurt myself. Because "if I love them, I'll do it". These manipulation techniques of playing with someones guilt are used on daily basis in all sort of relationships. And these people often tell you they love you, but how can forcing someone into making decisions that either destroy them mentally or physically for your benefits be called love?
  Sending nudes or rape culture has become one of the most common things, even though, most of us can't admit it. Because when we are pressured to take pictures, sleep with someone or do any other mostly sexual type of activity even though we don't want it because of "love", people don't call it a sexual assault. Rape within relationships has been so normalized that having sex in many cases can be seen as some sort of duty.
   Teenage people, especially girls are the easiest aims for manipulation since it's time when we are developing and feeling the most insecure and easier to influence. Most of the girls nowadays suffer from a thing called " daddy issues"' that's mostly developing from an absent or abusive father, making young females romanticize toxic relationships or big age gaps. So it's easy for older men to use these young vulnerable girls.
  A few months ago I found myself pretty attached to this 5 years older male. 5 years might not seem as a big difference when you're older, but, between a minor and a grown up , it is. I didn't even realize when I had already been manipulated into basically doing whatever he wanted. I look back at that time and realize how silly it was from my side to actually believe he liked me.
   Young girls are an easy target to pedophiles. These grown up men like to use teenage girl vulnerability. And it can leave scars for while life. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the time.
    I wonder who would I be if I hadn't met all those people.. Hadn't fell in love. Or got my heart broken. But hey, it's just how the life goes.