"Why does everything have to go wrong I can't stand it anymore?"
"Bill what is wrong with you?"
"Bev every time I do something or try something it backfires on me."
"What do you mean? I don't ever see that."
"Trust me. I see it all the time, and I'm to the point that I just want to end it all."
"Please Bill, don't talk that way. Things get better; you just have to think positive about it all."
"You know I try to think positive about things, but my whole life has been one upset after another, and it's just getting so tiresome. You know, after my childhood and high school, I looked forward to leaving home and starting new."
"How so Bill? Was your childhood really that bad?"
"I think so, but I really don't want to tell you about it, because it will just get me more upset than I already am at this point."
"Please tell me about it, it might help. I am here to help you anyway I can."
"Are you sure that it will help me Bev?"
"It really can't hurt. You might even find a way to help yourself, and who knows you might find a way to make things better for yourself."
"If you really think I should, I will for you. But where should I start?"
"Bill, anywhere you would like, I have all the time in the world."
"Well it started back when I was about six, I was happy with my life back then. I lived with my mom and my older sister Magie. We were close and didn't mind the way things were, everyone that is except for my mother. She was lonely and wanted the companionship of someone her age. She met a man named Jim; he seemed ok at first, nothing out of the norm. We did things together like going out to eat and going to the movies that type of thing."
"That doesn't seem all entirely bad Bill."
"Well that was just what he was like at first. It was when..."
"When what Bill?"
"When I turned seven, or was it eight, oh well it was one of those years, Jim and my mother got married. My sister and I started to see a different side of him than our mother saw. With me, I want to say he was harder. I don't know if it was because I was the only other male, or if he thought he had competition of some kind. Every time we were in the same room and I did something, it seemed like he disapproved of it and would put me down. I would get told I was stupid and was called an idiot. At first it didn't bother me, and then it turned into an everyday thing. I started to feel really bad about myself, and started to think he was right. I didn't know what to do and my schoolwork showed that I was starting to feel the pressures of home.
I started to see a school counselor but I didn't tell her much of what was going on at home; I thought if I did it would be worse at home for me. My grades just kept going down hill; it got to the point that I was held back a grade. That alone made it harder at home. I was getting grounded for bad grades, and every free minute he was having me do school work of some kind. It got to the point he went out and bought schoolbooks so he could give me homework, his kind of homework. I started to feel even worse about myself than ever. I started to get really withdrawn and didn't spend a lot of time with friends even when I was not grounded.
I went to spend time with my real father, and thought that time with him would be better than what I was going through at home. I found out real fast I was wrong, in some ways it was worse. My father at times thought I was a punching bag, and at times he made it so I couldn't sit for a few days. I got lost in things and in myself at times. I didn't know what I was doing wrong to get treated like this. My sister and I got close and I talked to her about everything. She was really the only one I could confide in; that I knew wouldn't rebel against me. I tried to have a relationship several times during the school year. I found it hard to do so, within a week or two they would split up with me.
All of this, my home life, and not being able to keep a girlfriend, started to make me think really badly about myself. I started to think that I wasn't loved, and wondered why I was alive."
"Bill I never knew, please keep going."
"Well in the middle of eighth grade, my family moved to a small town far from any friends I did have. My mother told me I would make new friends, and not to worry. I knew it would be hard to make friends, but one person changed all that. A pretty girl walked up to me and smiled, I didn't say anything just smiled back and sat there. The look on her face told me that she was a good person. Her name was Krin, and she found a way to make a lasting impression on me that day. Krin looked right at me smiled and told me, if I didn't talk to her, she would beat on me till I did. I don't think I will ever forget that day; I can still recall how she looked and what I thought about her to this day. When I look back on it now, I believe she was the best thing that happened to me that year. Krin was the type of friend that would never let someone down, even at the hardest of times. She was the type of friend, if you did something wrong or stupid, she was the first to let you know. I really liked that about her, and after getting to know her more, I started to really like her in more ways then just as friends. She was really a true friend in every sense of the word.
When we started high school, I thought that the entire name calling and hitting I received the year prior would stop. Was I ever wrong; not only did it continue, it got worse. I was still a small kid and kind a weak, I was only five three and about a hundred pounds if that. I so wanted to be bigger so that maybe the others would stop beating on me. What little bit Krin brought out of me, started to die out once again. Krin and my sister got really worried about me. Krin suggested, that maybe it would do me good if I got into sports. I wanted to get into school sports, to show myself that I was worth something. The only problem that I had was, my family didn't have a lot of money and we lived sixteen miles from our school. My mother tried to think of ways for me to get into sports, but couldn't think of any. As far as Jim, he just wanted me to work through the summer; to him sports were a waste of time. I just knew in some way, I had to prove to Jim and everyone else I was worth something in this life."
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My alarm went off about seven a.m. one morning after school let out. Not sure why, but I was to soon find out. Still half asleep and just rising to my feet, he heard the one voice he didn't want to hear first thing in the morning. That was the voice of my stepfather Jim, and he didn't sound like he was in a good mood.
