Billie couldn't ever think of a time where she felt completely insecure in her life, there was never an instance in her teen years where she could pin-point wholeheartedly hating herself.
Sure, she was absolutely not the cutest in her middle school and early high school years but it was nothing that monumentally affected her, nothing that left an impact on who she was. The baggage that weighed her down now, was through pure experience.
Growing up in the south was different, especially compared to someone who lives in a more liberal California, but unknowingly as you grow up you get used to the environment you're stuck in. Going to predominantly white schools was never a big deal to her as a little girl, sure it was weird only having one or two other people that looked like you in class but it was all she knew.
Years passed by as she progressed throughout high school, her face matured along with her body, and her adolescent 'ugliness' seemingly faded away, but still she never felt like the prettiest in a room where she stood out the most. Billie was beautiful, but to her she was nothing in comparison to the girls that were always asked out by the guys she found attractive or just the general high school population.
In a way when she was in school she was sort of an afterthought, of course the label never crossed her mind, it didn't bother her back then because again it was what she was used to. She went all of her teenage years without ever experiencing an ounce of affection from a guy, Billie was always aware of it, but it was nothing she wanted to do about it.
She couldn't think of a moment of her being insecure, but then again she couldn't think of ever feeling completely secure in high school.
Her lack of involvement in the male species never bothered her, but it seemed to spark the interest of the people she kept around. Always questioning why she didn't talk to guys, making it feel as if there was a target on her back, a sense of pressure to put herself out there.
How about we ask why don't guys talk to me? She always thought, that was one of the first things that made Billie question herself as a young girl, was she as pretty like everyone says, was she attractive at all?
She was a dark skin teen girl in a school full of people who were mainly lighter in comparison to her, it wasn't so insane that she was the guppy that was sadly being excluded from the dating pool.
It was sort of disappointing seeing her friends and peers date and have sex while a math test would commonly be the peak of her week, but she was okay with that. She would never be desperate for a man's affection especially if obviously no one had interest in her. Of course there were some guys, but none were ever up to her standards and for some reason there was a stubborn part of her that never let her settle for anything less.
There was only television and books to blame for that, she was fans of some very nice looking singers and actors.
Billie wouldn't say growing up in that environment made her insecure, the connotation was too strong to describe her as so, but she will say she came out being a little more shyer than most.
There's always college she reminded herself, a part of her knew that thought was the reasoning for how laid-back she was about never having a boyfriend. There would be thousands of guys to choose from or be chased after in her years ahead.
Choosing to attend a predominantly white institution for her college career wasn't a big deal to her when she enrolled in school. There was no culture shock when she stepped on campus if anything it mimicked everything her high school had to offer.
Before she knew it two years had flown by under her nose and still Billie had remained untouched. And still there was nothing she could do it about, this was life for her. She had seemingly become comfortable with the aspect of herself that didn't intermingle with guys. Not realizing the longer time went on the more anxious she became of the thought of it not just being always her, she was slowly becoming used to being alone.
