heart shaped box

five

seeing his face, this time I actually looked at it, I had seen it everyday for 2 years, I loved his face, I loved staring at his jaw, or when our eyes would meet in class, he was always the sort of shy one, he was the class clown, but with me he was shy and new to things, I heard from a girl who had heard from her older brother he had lost his virginity at a party, but from what I experienced, and what he told me he was a virgin.

his hair was shorter when I knew him, his face looked younger, he still looks young but different, his eyes were my favourite, they were hard to read non the less, but I believe there was more too it, he didn't open up to me too many times but from what I gathered he was scared, very scared to see where his future would lead him, I told him he'd make it, I told him not to worry his talent was obvious, and bright.

he had the perfect personality, but I think he had his demons like mine.

"may?"
my eyes quickly revert down.
"yes?"
i ask.
"are you alright? I'm really sorry about your- oh shit may"
my eyes met his I find myself staring, but he holds my hands together sending a warm electrical shock through my body.
"may your hands, I'm so sorry, god,-"
His voice drowns out, my eyes are meeting his:

"I love you."

my brain tells me to say, then I realise what's happening and I take my hands from his.
"why are you here?"
i ask.
"may-your hands-"
i roll my eyes.
"yeah I get it my hands are hurting, why are you here?"
i ask.

"well I'm getting coffee-"
"Right outside my new work at the time I come here?"
i ask walking away.

i hear his foot steps and I turn.
"what did I tell you yesterday timmy-"
He smirked.
"What?"
I ask.
"nothing it's just that's the first time you've called me timmy."
he said scratching the back of his neck his shorter curls bouncing.
"what do you mean I always called you timmy?"
i say confused.
"I mean now, I know what this means too!"
he says.
"What?"
i ask.
"you're getting more comfortable around me."

"yeah i really am."
i say the warm feeling leaves me in an instant and I remind myself quickly The pain I went through.

picking my stuff up, i push past him.
"where are you going june?"
he asks.
I walk faster, before I'm walking through the door of the warm book store, the smell of incense fills my nose and I'm back in my happy place.
"I'm so sorry I'm late Sandy."
I say.
"late? i didn't even realise."
she says cleaning the counter.

she directs me for small jobs around the place, after an hour I'm use to the small book shop, I take time for myself to mentally catch up on the last 24 hours.

Pattie, i invited a random girl to stay with me, she's nice though, she reminds me of myself, then I proceeded to watch every Timothèe chalamet movie, for the first time, lying to myself when I'd feel for his character, cry and smile.

he really did make it, it made me proud deep down, to think he would cry in my arms, come to me, tell me all his worries about not making it, and here he is, lined up for more and more movies, and here I am, working in a small book shop.

my shift finishes and it's around 5, I walk out saying my goodbyes to Sandy and helping her lock up, she lives in the book shop she has a house on top of the old building, we have a tea and talk for a bit when I leave, feeling happy with myself.

when I turn and see Timothèe sitting on a concrete step eyes red and puffy, hands in his pockets.

i sigh and walk past him fast, when he pulls me back.
"oh my god Timothèe! Seriously! I can't do this anymore! Do you think this is amusing to me? you made me feel so much pain for years, and now you just come back into my life after finally moving on and getting along with my life! I seriously don't need this!"
i say.