heart shaped box

twenty two

walking down the halls of school, I felt a little more different. i had kissed Timothèe chalamet on impulse and left right after, it was on my mind when I got home, when I went to bed, I dreamt of it, I woke up to it, and I went to school thinking about it.

i thought of his lips on mine, I thought of his body pressed on mine, I thought of how he didn't stop me, I thought that I was silly and he was this amazing dude that everyone loved but no one really ever loved me, the only person who loved me was my grandmother.

and I don't know if my parents loved me, you'd think no matter what they would.
that's when I saw him, straight ahead, he was surrounded by other people.

my heart began to race, my palms were sweating. Did he think of the kiss? Did he think it was crazy? Does he think I'm crazy?

the moment I had waited for, I walked ahead, seeing his eyes meet mine. they stayed on me as I walked by, I turned my eyes meeting his, his friend was talking to him but his attention was all to me, his mouth slowly curved as he gave me a promising smile, that made my entire body feel like I was floating, I returned the smile. kept walking.

once I made my way around the next corner, I made sure he couldn't see me as my back slammed against my locker, I chewed on my finger nails jumping with joy.

when I heard footsteps following me.
i turned expecting to see Timmy.

instead it wasn't, my face relaxed seeing that it was infact Courtney, her locker was unfortunately next to mine, she was your typical high school girl, her hair bounced perfectly, her lips were full, her boobs were perky, her eyes were crystal blue, her face was symmetrical.

and she had every boy in this joint on her tail, i over heard from someone she had fucked Timothèe in 8th grade, which now thinking about it made my skin crawl.

we were very different, I had dark hair, dark eyes, dark circles under my eyes, my only semi redeeming quality would be my figure, I was tallish and I had long legs when I was a kid I use to enter all the sports competition, but that's just embarrassing to me now.

"oh hey may bell."
she squealed, she reminded me of a perky little mouse.

her voice was irritating.

She swung her locker open it slammed into my wrist and I winced.
"it's may, just may. you people really never get it right."
i say.

"may, may bell, June. it's really just because you're not worth remembering!"
She said.

i smiled.
"well, Courtney, I'm sure when people leave this crummy place no one will remember the girl everyone hung out with because her tits were half okay, even though all the girls know ones bigger then the other."
i say, it wasn't true. her boobs were perfect but I really wanted to get under her skin, usually I would never shame another person, but Courtney had been shaming me since I could write cursive writing.

"yeah because at least I have tits, no one would ever, remember you, all you are is some girl that thinks she's drawn all the attention to her because she dresses differently listens to music no one likes and bases her whole personality off having issues with her family and never sleeping, honestly it's boring and predictable."
she says, my heart sinks a little but I rise above it, she digs into her bag pulling out a photo, she sticks it to her locker which basically just shows all her friends and such, but this photo I get a quick glimpse of.

It was taken at night, on Halloween. she was on connors back she was wearing a short mini skirt and a bloody shirt she was probably dressed as Jennifer from Jennifer's body.

but next to her was a dude dressed in a Spider-Man costume, it was him. From two nights ago.
"Who's speechless, try not and have a bite at me, because I bite back."
she says.

she goes to shut her locker but I love mg hand in the way.
"who's that."
i ask, pointing at the Spider-Man.
"oh that's Timothèe be dressed as Spider-Man, although the was basically gone half the night probably with some slut."
she said.

my heart dropped ten stories down my body landing at my toes.
"Are you sure that's Timothèe?"
i ask.
"yes I know, I was making out with him like all night."
she said slamming her locker shut walking off.

i leaned against my locker comprehensively thinking.
i guess I've kissed him more then once.

i straighten up seeing Timothèe walk past me.

he ran up to Courtney pulling her skirt down so it actually covered over her ass she squealed hitting him playfully, he swung an arm under her picking her up.

my face stopped smiling. the first bell went and I had history, with Timothèe.

i decided to go to class early getting a seat at the back.

half way through the lesson, I felt a piece of paper hit the side of my leg.

i sighed looking down seeing a paper airplane.

i picked it up unfolding it.

"wanna go out with me tonight?"

was written in messy hand writing.
i threw the paper behind me, continuing the work.

i could feel his eyes on me, burning through my skull, his eyes were confused.

the bell went and I ended up in the library, I sat at the back plugging in my earphones listening to music, when I saw Timothèe stumble in the library.
"oh I'm sorry-"
"Shhhh!!"
the Librarian mumbled as he trips over .

i curl back hoping he doesn't see me.
when a book falls on my leg I curse, getting up looking through the peep hole provided, getting the book.
"psst, it's me. why did you ignore my-"
i pushed the book back through the small nook cutting him off.

i sat back down, soon enough I felt a presence next to me.
"hey what are you listening to?"
he asked pulling one of my earbuds out.

"what the hell-"
"And I know that I gotta be above it, now
And I know that I can't let them bring me down."
he sang along.

"Lonerism, great album."
he complimented.

"thanks."
i mumble pulling the ear bud from his ear.
"so.... you kissed me yesterday and left."
he said.

my heart dropped, but I continued reading.
"so?"
i ask.
"well I wanted to say- well I wanted to- you know it would be better if I just showed you-"
amused by his rambling, I turned and his thumb held my chin his lips met mine, my worried melted away, I didn't kiss him back for a moment, before my hands moved to the sides of his face kissing him back.

"I wanted to do that for so long."
he said pulling back.
"I'd love to go out tonight."
i said.
"so you did read it."
he said.
"Yeah."
i mumbled.
"I'll pick you up."