There is an all-consuming energy flowing through her body. It fills every crevice of her being, it's cold and hot at once and she is no longer in full control of the way it moves, she is guided, pushed towards him. It's stronger when he's close but louder when he isn't. She reaches for his hand in a place where she shouldn't. Leans her head on his shoulder in the back of the car. She speaks dirty words in a hushed voice and loves the feeling in her stomach when he shakes his head like he can't believe she's real. She can't remember the last time she's felt this comfortable around another person and it's so obvious that she can't believe she hasn't realized it sooner, that it would be him, he who has always seen her, always understood without words.
She hasn't gotten to feel him since that night in his room weeks ago but he keeps her close to him and she knows when he looks at her that he thinks of it too. It's this unspoken thing between them that brings her comfort, no one else knows the way they connect, the way their bodies are able to move and heal together. She longs for it, dreams of him at night, feels it in every protective touch to her lower back but she doesn't want to push it, she wants to keep it special and give him time to adjust. She needs time to adjust, too.
She feels most at peace when he's watching her. He never looks passively, never glances in her direction, he watches her intently and entirely. It reminds her that she's real, flesh and bone, that what she does matters, that her movements affect the objects and people around her when it feels like she's operating in a different dimension. The hard wall of plastic between her and the world isn't real because he can feel her presence even if she can't feel his.
Somehow it doesn't make her feel caged to have him watch her every move as he sits there in her dressing room on the couch, it makes her feel safe, she can't disappear that way, he won't let her out of his sight, won't let anything happen. She cleaned today, cleaned even though there are people hired to do that, even though she couldn't get the AC to work properly and no one had been by to show her how yet, and then she'd showered in minus 40 degree water. She played her guitar until the calluses on her fingers bothered her too much and sometimes it just isn't enough, sometimes her pounding heart is all she can feel and she needs someone else to put color back in her vision.
"Aren't you tired?" He asks her as she sits on top of the desk, bare-legged in her silk robe, watching him watching her.
She shakes her head even though she's exhausted. It's late and it's been a long day. The show felt long tonight and she's feeling sore and relieved to be without makeup and tight clothes. She looked at him to get through it, focused on his concentrated eyes on her, imagined getting to be alone with him afterwards and now that she is, it's all she wants to do.
His eyes are bluer in this light and she's afraid to look away. Afraid that the moment will pass, afraid that if she speaks, this silence that is taken over entirely by his energy will disappear. She's afraid of being incomplete in his absence, of what emotions will resurface once he is no longer there to take them away. Terrified of the loneliness that has always been such an essential part of her that she should be comfortable with it by now.
He reaches out a hand for her and she feels that pull again, the promise of his touch, she follows it and meets his hand in the air, fingers intertwined as she places herself on his lap, he is warm against her and she is suddenly aware that she's freezing. She curls up into him, releasing a shaky breath, allowing her shoulders to fall and his body heat to transfer.
She feels the weight of his hand on her hip, moving down over her thigh and back up again. He shifts to get more comfortable and they end up closer as a result, her cheek against his. Even if he doesn't mean for it to happen, it always does. She knows he feels it too, the way the air around them gets heavier the closer they are, making it harder to breathe, harder to think.
She pulls back to look at him and she can't help but smile as she looks into his eyes. He is so sweet and gentle up close and it's making her cheeks warm. She strokes the back of his neck with the tips of her fingers, she wants him to feel as good as he makes her feel.
"Hi." She whispers, biting into the smile on her lips.
"Hi." He breathes and she can almost taste it, almost feel it and all it would take is one tiny movement to be real.
"You'll feel better after being home for a few days." He tilts his head back, creating some distance and she exhales, relieved at the thought of being home, of seeing her family and sleeping in her own bed.
"Will you stay with me?" Her hands find his chest for comfort, sturdy, heart pumping. He's so warm and she's finding it hard to imagine going days without seeing him now, without getting to be close to him.
He smiles and pokes at her playfully. "Nah, I'll spare you. I think you need the time away from me bossing you around."
"Never." She shakes her head and kisses his cheek. Not only does she not need time away from him at all; she kind of dreads the temptations of LA. It's too easy to call someone she shouldn't when he isn't there to take the loneliness and anxieties away.
"You're getting way too comfortable having me this close." He grabs her waist so suddenly it startles her and she gasps at the electricity that goes through her as he threatens to throw her off his lap and she laughs as she clings on to him, loving the way his hands feel holding her this tight.
"I think you're getting too comfortable." She argues but she doesn't expect the defeated look in his eyes. He fingers the edge of her robe.
"We're not supposed to be this comfortable, you know."
"We need to stop saying the word comfortable now, it's starting to sound off."
He smiles but his eyes waver back and forth and she can tell he's struggling. She moves her hand into his hair as he buries his face in her neck, breathing her in. She wishes she could show him that it can be beautiful and simple and everything he's not allowing himself to fully feel, everything he's making her feel without even trying.
"I like it exactly the way it is." She admits. She hasn't really thought about more, where they would be going from here but she knows she doesn't want less, she wants every bit of the added intimacy desperately.
"The lines are so blurry, though." He whispers against her skin right as there is a knock on the door. She isn't sure if she's the one jumping off his lap or she's being pushed but the moment disappears as her manager enters the room, looking back and forth between them with a raised eyebrow.
"Time to go. The car's waiting."
