Again and Again (BakuDeku)

Chapter One

       The first time Izuku killed himself, there was an odd sense of finality. He was in middle school, his last year, a little scared but also calmer than he'd ever felt in his life. He'd left letters, one lengthy one for his mother, and one for Kacchan that wasn't nearly as long, but close. All of his 't's were crossed and all his 'i's were dotted.

       Just a few hours before, Kacchan had told him to jump off the roof and hope for a Quirk in his next life--he had to admit that it had a certain appeal to it. Not jumping off the roof or hoping for a new Quirk, just dying. Just slipping away into the big sleep and never waking up again because there would be nothing for him when he woke up.

       He'd already decided that he was going to do something more private. He thought about doing it in his room, but he didn't want his mom to find his dead body in his room--she didn't deserve that. He figured that he could take a few trains out to the middle of nowhere, jump off a cliff or mountain or something, somewhere no one would find him.

       He gets weird looks when he gets on the train to Tōjinbō by himself. Izuku knew he was scrawny, small for his age and probably even looked eleven instead of fourteen. Still, nobody said a thing. His hands shook when it was his stop and the doors slid open. He still had quite a bit of walking to do, and he was sure he'd have changed his mind or gotten scared by now, but his mind is surprisingly quiet. He felt...almost peaceful. He was the only one who got off, but he didn't mind; it was better that way. His big shoes crumbled the dirt and sand under him as he walked. There wasn't a single person around despite the cloudless blue sky and warm sea salt air. On days like that, one would expect the whole place to be littered with people.

       It's meant to be. Izuku decided. When he reaches the face of a large cliff, some thirty meters down, waves crash into sharpened and weather worn rocks. He accidentally kicked some pebbles over the side and they struck the cliff on their way down. Izuku's never been afraid of heights, and he was suddenly glad of that.

       He had no backpack with him, no notebooks, nothing but his favorite shirt and jeans and his shoes.

       Sucking in a deep breath, Izuku closed his eyes and let himself fall forward, down, down, down into the spiked rocks and churning water below.

       There would be no new Quirk in his next life, not like this.

            ---   *    ---    *   ---

       Cool salt water lapped over his face, into his mouth, up his nose, even into the crevices of his eyes. When his eyes and mouth flung open with a gasping breath, it burned, and he rolled onto his side to try to get away from it. He coughed painfully and water poured from his mouth and lungs. His hands found weak purchase in the sand as he tried to pull himself up and out of the water. His throat felt raw like it was full of sand, grating and rubbing against his inner skin.

       What the hell? Izuku pressed a hand to his clothes, to his skin. His chest was smooth and wet with ocean water, but his clothes were torn and shredded. His shirt was barely hanging off his shoulders and his jeans were on the verge of becoming shorts.

        Izuku turned over onto his back, looking out into the water and seeing the rocks he'd just jumped into. If he squinted, he could see a few shreds of blue cloth clinging onto the jagged edges despite the water trying desperately to wash it away.

       He fell back against the sand, closing his eyes when the sky was too bright of blue to stare at directly. This was when the regret and shame washed over him, much like the water on the beach. Not because "it was a second chance for him to turn his life around" as he'd seen on movies and "reality" TV shows. Useless, defenseless Izuku couldn't do anything right. He couldn't even kill himself.