Trains are slow and so are you

     I don't like the train. It is too slow for my tastes. It was as if Toby Maguire was still attached to the hood of the train bringing it down with his muscly weight.  And so a thought had awoken in my mind. I'm a physics major after all, I can make it go fast myself!
      After showing the passengers my sick triple back spin, I threw myself in front of the moving train.
BAM
     I rolled underneath the train, the blood oozing out of my skull sticking me in my place. I was flying. Kind of. You know what? Its just like a rollercoaster, my daughter would love this!
     After the train came to a stop I scooted back to the surface and went to my mother-in-law's home.
     "Why are you here, scum?!"
     "I came to see Agatha J. Lanes."
     She roughly handed over my daughter who had been locked up in a dingy, dark, cell in the attic and only let us leave after performing a suplex on me. It didn't hurt in comparison to the train.
     "Jump in front of a train, ya moron!"
     And so I departed from her crack den, holding Agatha J. Lanes scaly reptile hand.
      We take the train home by "flying" on the bottom.  I can still hear my beloved daughters delightful screams of excitement. This overjoys me. Wait...Perhaps, mother-in-law would come to favor me if I show her this fun!
     And so the following day I managed to convince her to follow me to the train station in a game of "hot  and cold," saying the prize would be a Disney Princess Jasmine special edition hookah. In her frustration she shoved me into a street performer who turned out to be an undercover FBI agent who had been secretly following my mother-in-law in order to retrieve evidence of her supposed offenses in animal trafficking golden retrievers. Being an FBI agent they were naturally skilled in martial arts and skillfully dodged by slipping on a well placed and already prepared banana peel. The FBI/street performer fell unconscious for half an hour and when he awoke he charged toward me.
SQUEAK
He bonked me over the head with a rubber hammer. I died. How did he know...my one weakness...