Dear Jonghyun: Letters to an Artist

ᴛʜᴇ fᴏᴜʀᴛʜ ʏᴇᴀʀ

18. Dezember 2021

Dear Jonghyun,

this is the first letter I write in English but not the last one. It was four years ago since someone told me that you've died and I know that the fight you've been going through was hard. It was complicated and you couldn't fight anymore. And every single day I'm alive,every single day I'm still fighting to stay here, I understand you more and more. I understand why you left, why you went and let us back. I really understand you, angel. But I'm alive without living. It's hard to fight but I'm still doing it. For you, Jonghyun. And should I tell you something? I found people I wanna live for. I found people I love more than myself and I wanna protect from every bad stuff of the world. Even when I know I can't. But I will do. Maybe I'm not perfect, I never will be, but I can do my best to make the life of someone perfect. I know that I don't deserve the good but I'm trying my best to let others feel good.

The last years were hard. But I went through them with your music. With the music of your country. With my closest friends. And that's why I know that music is my life. Because it saved and always will save my soul and heard. Without music I will not be alive anymore. But there is something more difficult. My feelings and thoughts how I see myself. I don't see the girl everyone sees when they look at me. I'm not that human being I was when I was a child. Imm not the one everyone wants that I am. And I have to leave this person behind to go forward. And I know I can do it when I know that you'll be there at heaven and look down on me to help me when I'm list again.

Four years ago you died, you killed yourself, and that broke my heard in thousand pieces. My life didn't make any sense but with some guys on this damn world I got back to smile again. But the moat time I don't do it. Why? Because I miss you. It's hard to understand and complicated to explain when someone asks me why I miss you. But I know that there's someone out there who will understand me. I don't know, if he or she is there right next to me or thousand kilometers away, but I know there will be someone who understands me.

I don't want someone who tells me stories and talk without a break. I don't need someone like that. I need someone who understands me without any words. Someone who knows what's going on in my head through the way I talk, the way I write or the way I play in front of other people. I need someone who accept me the way I am and someone who loves me for me. But it's hard to find the right one. To find the one who knows when you're fine and when you're not.

I know I'm the worst daughter, the worst friend, the worst sister, the worst cousin. I know I'm the worst of all of my family and I know I'm a disappointment to my whole family. But I will always try my best to make them happy. Even when I'm doing what I wanna do.

Sincerely,
Limmoscow