just don't. please.

december 2nd 2021

My thoughts lol

It's all mixed up and it might be irritating, but I write things down how they come into my head. I want to let people know how I feel, so they see that they are not alone. We got this <3

I don't even know where to begin. Honestly, I feel nothing but a huge weight on my heart, lungs and shoulders. I'm tired. Tired of trying, laughing, and hoping. What's the reason I'm here?

I have a boyfriend. I think he really loves me; I wrote a small love letter about him. But sometimes I feel like I'm just annoying him.

I can't explain how I feel. I have the stare right now, I look into "space" literally with no thoughts in my head. To help that I listen to music, right now I'm listening to "scars to your beautiful", this song is beautiful...

I don't even feel sad or angry now, I literally feel no emotions. It's just the music and the light of the laptop screen. And the fucking weight that makes breathing and moving very stressful. I don't want this anymore. I want all these new problems to be gone again, they are so useless. Before those problems I thought I was going to be happy, but not faked or only for a few hours. No, I thought I found myself, that I could be "real". Yeah, that's what I thought. How could I be that naive. Why did I thought it's going to be good now?

School's exhausting. People be stressing around me, making problems and complain about everything. I'm not a robot, I'm at a point where I have no more strength. I feel numb out of nowhere, begin to cry and I'm not able to talk or move my lips and tongue in any way. Even holding a hand or closing my eyes isn't possible. Sometimes even breathing is too but I remind myself to do it. But it costs all my energy, yeah, breathing costs me all my energy in that moment. My boyfriend would help me a lot in such a situation, I had it multiple times when he was here, he's such an angel in situations like this. Haha but when I tell him over phone that I'm not feeling well, and I ask him if I could call him, we would be in a call for 10 minutes and then he asks to chat instead of calling. That's a bit rude in my opinion, because he wants me to text him first then. But yeeeeah, what could I do lmao. I'm scared I lose him because of tat "breakdowns" (?). I know one day it reached a limit, when he's sick of an ugly crying girlfriend. Because you don't have a gf, just to cheer her up because she cries anytime. Do you know what I mean... sometimes we insult us for fun, and I'm scared id hurt him when I say something "funny". I'm also scared he doesn't say something just for fun... that he really means it. I'm scared he finds a better girl for him. Who doesn't live in such a stupid village no one know its existing, a girl with a better body and personality. A girl who can help him better in some situations I don't know how to handle it. A girl who isn't crying because of the smallest things. A girl with nicer parents, or a girl that's one or two years older (he's 4 years older than me), a girl that's generally more mature. A girl that is confident. Additionally, I'm not really good at anything. School? I'm clever but school is boring, and it really does not interest me in any possible way. Cooking and baking? I like it, the food also tastes good, but no. it's just luck every time, I promise you. Things to discuss about... I can say a little bit. But don't have the whole knowledge of even one thing. I know I'm not able to know literally everything, but I don't even know enough of something, I can deeply talk about. I hope y'all know what I mean, if not please let me know, so I can explain.

Omg why do I keep eating that much. I wanted to stop eating useless snacks, but no I can't listen to myself. Here I'm sitting eating chocolate and drinking coke. Wow, I did a great job  I don't want that disgusting fat on MY body! If your tummy has a little wiggle, omg that's so nice and beautiful, even if a person is chubby, I don't think it's disgusting or any other bad thing. Its normal and beautiful! But on my own body... I don't want that. Pls don't hate on me because I think like that, as I said I think it's also beautiful when people are overweight, but I can't stand it on myself. I need to lose 5 more kilograms to be a bit happier with my body. I've already lost about 5 or 6 kilograms, but in total I wanted to lose 10 or more kg. Fat on my own body makes me feel disgusting and even more ugly. Since I was 12. In Kindergarten I used to cross my legs so people wouldn't see my thighs. I also used to cover them with my arms. I was 6 years old...

I'd love to cut again but then I'll be sent to a mental hospital, and I really do not want that. Instead of cutting I go to sleep. I also pierced myself 3 piercings, I scratched myself that hard on my leg that I started to bleed. The next day I showered. On purpose. Because it hurts, the fresh wounds on my skin. I started smoking w€€d about a year ago, it makes my problems fade a bit. I also love sleeping, no one is talking to me, I don't spend money or eat, it's just nice.

I'm scared of the future. I don't know how to handle it. I really don't.

Imma go on listening to my music, and then I go to sleep. I'm going to have an exhausting day tomorrow.

I've written so much now, but not what I really have to talk about. But I don't know what's wrong. I don't what to talk about, I don't know how I should explain what's going on in my head. Because its more than nothing but less than something. That explains it the best. I have a massive rock on my heart, yeah, it's my heart I think. When I begin to cry when I have this stare I wrote about, it feels like my heart is ripped and cut in so many little pieces, but its still beating. Like its bleeding, it hurts. It feels like its ripped out of my body, but I feel the heartbeat in my head. I hear it. I should give up explaining, I sure nobody would understand.

What's if my boyfriend leaves me. What should I do... why did I let myself love him so much, last time I did that, like every time I was thinking, I should let me love a person, my heart was ripped into million pieces, so I closed my heart. I used to love less anytime I got hurt, just to protect my heart. But now... I love him so much; I can't describe it. I know he hurts me one day. He'll leave me like everybody else did. I don't know what to do then. A future without him, impossible. Every day I hope that he is the one. that's the biggest dream I have. With him I could do everything, I think he's the one for me... lets pray I'm the one for him as well... I need him so much. I'm so scared of that day he leaves. I would do everything to avoid that...

Right now, he asked me if everything was alright, I left him on read before (on snapchat, he just sent a normal snap, and he didn't even ask me something or texted me by himself the whole day so it's no loss for not snapping for a few hours), for an hour or more, I responded "of course" sending a short video of this text, he asked what this is. I told him it's for me to "stay strong" and not to break down now. Let's see how long I have to wait for an answer. It's been 10 minutes already lmao, "delivered 10 minutes ago" I see, he's really interested.

Hahah one day he's going to be really tired of me.

I'm sorry.

I wish I could change how I am. I want to be better. I tried to change so many times, but it costs so much energy. My battery needs to be refilled somehow...

Oh and fun fact: at home its stressful like 96% of the time I talk to my parents. Imma start to record conversations with them, to prove that sometimes they overreact about the smallest and dumbest things. Like they start a huge fight if I or my siblings doesn't clean her/his room, or when we get a bad mark on a test or an exam!? They are so toxic most of the time, I'm really looking forward moving out. So I don't have them complaining anytime I do things they don't want to. I mean I know one day I'm going to miss them, but now, at these times I just do not wanna be here. I don't feel well and not secure in my own room, I feel like I can't have time for myself without them watching and hearing me. I get panic attacks because of my parents, when they yell at me for example. I feel like I'm not good enough anymore, I'm crying right now thinking of that. Why can't I be a better sister and daughter... why am I the way I am

Right now, I'm listening to "If you want love" from NF, its relaxing to be honest. A nice voice and a relaxing beat and back voices. The song ended.