I'm just me...

I was never a normal kid...

-trigger warning-

I was never a normal kid. I always seemed to have something wrong with me, or I would feel sad or just down all of the time, until I was about 10 and I realised that all of this time I had been suffering from depression. I would not eat for days and just stay in my room contemplating suicide all of the time (not a very healthy thing for a 9yr old to think about) but by the time I was 11 I gave it my first attempt. I threw myself out of the top window of my nans house, hoping that I wouldn't land straight and I would die without fail. but it wasn't high enough, all I did was sprain my ankle a little because I landed upright.

When this attempt failed I realised that jumping out of the window and hurting myself made me feel better, so I started doing everything in my power to hurt myself without causing permanent scars. until the end of my primary school year came and I was all alone... I had no friends outside of my primary and none of my friends were going to be going to my secondary school... so I had no one. I felt so alone in the 6 weeks leading up to the start of school that I stopped caring about not leaving marks on my skin, so I started cutting, every time I would go deeper and deeper because it helped. at first I only did it on the top part of my thigh, but then I moved up. I started cutting on my arm. Gouging out little parts of skin just to test it. It didn't hurt but instead it gave me some sort of release, pleasure? It was a feeling that is impossible for me to explain.

Now I wouldn't say I'm crazy, but I've had a fair share of psychopathic moments in my time. there were times when I was mesmerised by a blade, not necessarily a sharp blade. but just any blade made me stop and stare. I even have this thing I do all the time. I shake. And am constantly moving around because of nerves.

I don't belong in my family. I never have. I don't belong anywhere. the only place I belong is hell, and It'd be better for everyone if I was 6ft under!
It seems like everyone hates me. like every time I walk into a room, the mood just drops, and it's all because I've entered...

During my secondary school life, I was tormented every day by the 'populars', they were literally just a whole clique of stupid looking whores that just so happened to be between the ages of 11 and 17, most of the girls in my year were in this clique and I practically had no one that I could trust.

Until one day. after a long hard think, I decided it was time to try again. I just couldn't live anymore. yeah sure I had friends... Well barely, but they were still friends. They hadn't seen my scars yet and I didn't plan to show them anytime soon, so I didn't understand how they found out...
Anyway. this one particular night, I was sitting in my room and I had my window fully open. (it was wide enough for someone to fall through and hurt themselves on the way down) I lived in the top floor of my building. Four stories high, and every one counted.
I sat on the windowsill, I just relaxed my body, I was pretty much hanging on the edge of the outside wall when I eventually fell asleep. my plan was to fall asleep and hopefully I would fall and die in my sleep. but I woke up. I woke up, not in a hospital bed where I would've hoped to be, but in my bed. covered up and my window shut. I didn't know how I'd gotten there. I just thought that my mum had carried me.

After a while I got more friends, called Paige, Hayley, Ellie and Jenny. Paige was my best friend. We were like sister to each other. I also had a friend called Kasia, but she wasn't a great friend if I'm honest. These people except Kasia found out about my cuts. It started with Hayley finding out. I think she saw them when I had my sleeves rolled up or something. She asked me about them but I don't remember exactly what was said because this was at the beginning of year 8, but she said something. After a while Paige and Jenny found out and then everyone found out so I decided that there was no point to hiding my scars any more because everyone knew and no one could torture me more than i already had been before.

To be completely honest. This was one of the most Grimm parts of my life. This chapter was the most sad. My relationship with Paige went downhill and the friendship became perilous. We were toxic towards each other. Always making one another feel sad or like complete shit... And it just seemed that anyone I was friends with was automatically a weird person... (I never understood that)

But my life just... Got worse and worse. I had stopped cutting for a while, because I thought that I was happy... But I had just lured myself into a false sense of security, I was playing tricks on my mind, causing myself to believe that I had to pretend to be someone I'm not just to keep my 'friends'... But I realise now that I didn't . But after a while I started to cut again... But this time... It was for real. Deeper than ever before, patterns and words, expressed how I felt... Now I cannot say that there is anything more to my life than a couple of pages but, I still do this... Sometimes. But since I've left my old group of friends, I've sort of found happiness. I have a girlfriend. And more friends than I had when I was stuck in a small clique of 4, now there are loads of us, and I feel wanted, I feel loved... I feel (dare I say)

HAPPY.....

But I feel as if there is something missing in my life. The one thing I left behind, and I knew it was a mistake the second I made it, but... I miss my old bestie. Because even though we were toxic, we still knew how to help when the time came to it... But I don't have that anymore... All I have is myself. And I need to stay strong and help myself through this shit time and help myself... But I can't.
I can't help myself. But I can help others so I have some advice...

(From my YouTube channel)
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So...

Basically. I am a fourteen year old girl living in London and I have a dream... To be famous. BUT I know that's never going to happen. Because, as the lords; my chemical romance have stated. "Fame is now injectable", meaning that it's easy to get famous if your pretty, thin or fake. And that's complete bullshit if I'm honest.

I have been a fan of a band called black veil brides for about 6-9 months now (I didn't realise that it was them my dad was making me listen too) and this band has fought me more than any person has...
They have thought me that I'm not alone, that there are always going to be people who are going to try and put me down, but I need to stay strong and prove to those people that I'm the best I can be!

My message to you is...
Listen to music that inspires you and makes; or helps you realise your potential.

Do not ever loose yourself in a lie that you've created to live in, because you nee to believe in yourself, and believe that YOU CAN SINGLE HANDEDLY CHANGE THE WORLD!

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What I've learnt is that you should ignore the negative people in your life and focus on the positive, because those are the people that really matter to you and your life!!! Keep them close!

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I wanted to say that everyone is beautiful, even if you don't think so, they are. Just because one person doesn't get your beauty, doesn't mean that no one will.

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Just remember...

ITS OKAY TO BE DIFFERENT!

-please protect yourself from the demons that lie within, never end up a tortured soul like me... You have a chance, don't miss it-

~Just An Outcast