december 3rd, friday evening
i want to make him jealous
not to hurt him
just to make him realize his mistake
realize his true feelings
and come back to me
i feel like in gonna puke
i just want him to hug me and tell me it's alright
that he's there
that i'm fine
that it was all a big joke
cause i know him, right?
he wouldnt do this to me?
you cant once love someone then tell them to their face it's all gone
tell them to their face you just don't anymore
how can you bear to see the person you once loved shattered and broken, and because of you?
how can you?
pass them in the hallways like they're a nobody
no hellos
each time taking me back to our goodbyes
i cant do this anymore
i saw them again today
i didnt mean to
i was joining my friends and they were there
he stood up and hugged her while she was sitting at the table
he then sat by her side and as she layed her head on the table
he put his on hers while rubbing her, telling him thats what he forgot today, needed.
he said it again, destroying my heart.
why cant i be this to him anymore
i dont understand what happened
he still is for me
even after all of this
and it took nothing to him
for me to just not be what he needed anymore
and i mean, he said it, right?
"i just dont need this in my life anymore"
this, meaning our relationship?
this meaning my troubles?
this meaning me?
all of these possibilities are terrible
and im so tired of having a stomach ache
its not hurting physically
but each time it contracts, it hurts like hell in my heart and i just need to cry.
yesterday and today in the bus
i was thinking
"hey, i did good today.
havent really felt sad about him,
just did what i have to do
and went through it. "
and both times
it hit me so violently
i suddenly felt so hurt and the stomach thing happened
my eyes started to fill up
cause my heart was overflowing
i cant do this anymore
i dont WANT to feel better and learn to live normally without him
i cant bare that my new normality is him not being here
i dont know what to do anymore
