Just a Boy Toy

Lullaby

Soft music in the beautiful crepuscular rays of the moon dragooning my mind to sing in a wordless croon. Sunrays that must be the sun's ways of dancing alone while bouncing and flowing through the glasses reaching and tingling the refreshed yet drowsy face still lying on the bed like carcasses, flittering memories of the past of happy times and whimsical things, like a baby bird spreading its wings. Flying through the sunlit air, without worries without difficulties. Its simplistic nature so soft and soothing beckons everyone like a charm. A small wild cat running through the trees, fields of flowers, and their bees. So close to heart and yet so far, A child's life and its perishing memories are like a shimmering star.

This is how anybody would love to or in most cases define their childhood and why not? Those were indeed the most beautiful days of life for anybody. The throwback to better times and even better memories is what is the best. Memory is that personal diary that we carry with us. Memories are timeless treasures of the heart. Childhood friendship is the most beautiful memory that can't ever be replaced. There are things about your childhood you hold onto because they were so much a part of you. The places you went, the people you knew. There is a garden in every childhood, an enchanted place where colors are brighter, the air softer, and the morning more fragrant than ever again.

But when I think about my childhood memory I am not able to reminiscence any of these beautiful and fascinating memories. There are no such beautiful things to think about anymore. Possibly because all the beautiful memories I made with my angel, my butterfly, and my dad soon started to get blurry and overlapped by the horrific memories Demon gave us with the passing time. The beautiful memories we spent and made together got clouded by the dust of his pain, torture, and the scars he gave. Seems like my memories has suffered from cataract because I can't really remember, see or feel any of our good memories anymore, only if I could have known this I would have tightly hugged those beautiful memories to never let go but the piling horrific memories dug our good memories down on earth where it can't be found anymore. 

There is a very special and distinctive thing about memories when good you don't want to get out of it but still, there comes a time when one good memory overlaps the previous one and so on and we keep moving on to make new and newer good memories but one miserable, melancholic, atrocious and horrific memory never leaves your soul and get stuck there for life. It bounces back like an Instagram boomerang, again and again, to scare you, exterminate you yet over again. Memories do not always soften with time instead some just edges like knives. Sometimes I wish I could just rewind back to the old days and press pause just for a little while and savor my few and countable good memories but even if I can I won't, in fear what if I have to witness those terrifying memories again and I am not ready to witness even a little piece of those nauseating scenes. 

But there are many calamitous secrets implanted inside me that I don't tell anybody but today I will tell one of those, that it doesn't matter how fast I ran or how much endlessly away I tried to get apart from those horrific pictographic memories, it will stay with me and my blue morpho butterfly, frightening us till our departure and there was not one such memory we have thousand of them lost somewhere in our conscience that kept erupting out time to time like lava from an aggressively active volcano. There were many but believe me there was one that kept slicing me into thin pieces every time I think about it. That one memory that will terrify me always and the same memory that defined and flagged the destructive way and outlined what my blue morpho butterfly was going to become in the future.

That day is still crystal clear in my mind and floats back in front of my eyes. The day I felt yet again betrayed, actually, we all felt betrayed. It was just a day before his tenth birthday. My butterfly was super excited and energized at the same time and opposite of him I was tensed and anxious. Perhaps at this moment, your brain must be pondering why was I anxious and tensed? Just because of the simple same reason that made me anxious every year. What should be an adequate and affordable gift for him? He had every extravagant luxury world has and every year there would be this very big party that is organized in the mansion and a long list of rich and influential personalities from society are invited. My broke and empty-pocketed close to thirteen-year self had no money of his own to gift him anything close to gifts he would get from people attending the party and also with the pocket money more precisely saying chicken feed I have collected all throughout the year just for this day, can't afford anything close to what he actually get from others. Even though I was never invited to the party as according to the Demon my old worn-out clothes, undeserved and unmannered self will ruin the decorum of such a big party. So every year I would stay in servant quarters and watch the guests arriving and departing and maybe wait outside so I can get a single glance of my beautiful butterfly.