addicted: judd birch & stass

CHAPTER 35: confessions

to be honest, i can't remember much else of what happened that morning. me and judd lied in that foreign bed and seemed to chat shut and giggle about almost anything that wasn't to do with me confessing that i loved him. we'd been lying in that same seemingly paper thin room for hours by we time we finally decided to leave and consult with M.

'hey girl, you okay?' i questioned, as a limp black haired figure sloped around the corner and stopped in it's tracks at the sound of my voice.
'could be better. i'm so fucking hungover it's disgusting.'

'nice to meet you M, sick party' judd rudely interrupted, swooping past my body leant against the wall, reaching to shake hands. to shake fucking hands ??? i had to be in disbelief. judd birch did not shake hands.
'thank you...?' M responded, confusingly, searching my face for a somewhat visual explanation for judd's behaviour. i couldn't really explain it. i had an epiphany that he just wanted to come across as nice - for once in his fucking life.
'alright. well fuck this dump. i probably gotta be home in a bit. i'll help clean up some of your shit then i'm off. stass, you coming home with me?'

after hearing his proposition, i realised that this was the first time that i'd actually debated not going to judd's house. don't get me wrong - of fucking course i wanted to go - but a part of me was starting to ache for my sister and that stupid fucking void that i called my house. i had to go home. to make amends. to talk some shit out. to sort at least one thing out.

'judd i'm sorry, but i'm going to have to give in and go home. to mine. without you. obviously debbie isn't easy to forgive but fuck it, i need to get my shit back on track.'

he sighed and nodded. i didn't want to leave him. but since his blatant technique of ignorance regarding my confession the night before, i guess it was time for some space. we moved around the now lit vacancies of M's house with the black stretched bin bags for an hour or two, shoving cans and bottles until we could at least see the floor. as we scoped out the house, i had thoughts of a job offer that my mum had mentioned a few months prior. a job would be obviously tough but i needed the money. i can't rely on judd for a can of monster or bottle of chekov when i need it. or god forbid another 20 quid baccy pouch that i knew he was scraping to afford. his family was rich, no doubt about it, but his allowance was being unfairly stretched at the expense of me and my reluctancy to confide into my home. i had to take the offer. working in my local cafe for a few hours a week didn't sound too excruciating at this point.

so, i went home. i threw my unwashed, drink stained shit into a bag and hauled it over my shoulder as i climbed into the passenger seat of judd's car, lighting a cig as i pulled the seatbelt over his jumper that was hugging my shivering body, and yanking the car mirror down to peer at the eyeliner still stubbornly stuck to my smeary eyes. i kept thinking about the job, but making sure to keep a blank expression as judd turned the keys in the car and pulled out of the driveway. i didn't want him to worry and i honestly didn't really feel in the vicinity to open up to him about anything right now. i did that like 15 hours ago and we all know how that fucking ended. i needed a reason, a distraction, a way, and this opportunity kind of ticked all those boxes. i needed more independence than a constant dependence on my boyfriend. i was going to take the job.