just some vents

sigh.

why did i fall in love with that person, who only came after i felt sick and upset by my previous relationship falling apart

i wasn't ready to love yet, i wasn't ready to have feelings at that moment

and i was more than certain that they liked another person anyway, so why did i go ahead and flirt with them all the time??!

oh my god, i feel so awful. and the fact that i would tell them everything and how twistedly it affects me, too. they came up with a bunch of conclusions that to this day i have a cognitive dissonance of.

i know i shouldn't believe some of the stuff they told me to believe and yet to this day i still think some of it is true,,,

and then they left

 why did i have to make such a spectacle the moment they left, when their discord acc was deleted.

why did i have to scream "NOOOO DON'T LEAVE" so loud everyone in the house heard me

why was it on the very first morning i woke up in my new house

why

why did my mom run into my room and hug me and tell me it was okay when it wasn't okay, when i shouldn't have screamed and shouldn't have cried and shouldn't have broken down in front of everyone and shouldn't have gotten so attached to my friend's classmate who liked another person in the first place

why did i not listen to anyone when they told me to be careful and that person might as well not be all that they seem

why is it only now that i'm realizing how awfully i treated people because of that damn person's words

and why do i still feel like if they ever try to return i'll greet them with open arms and try to see their point of view

it's not like i even like them anymore, i like another person and she's much nicer and much kinder and much more patient and funnier and more creative and has the same vibe as that fucker who left on october 2nd but better in every way shape and form

i feel disgusted. 

i'm sorry to everyone who i had hurt in these past two months; i don't believe i can go back to being my old self - the happy, sweet and friendly kid i was in the beginning of this year - any time soon but i am honestly trying.