The Journal of Beatrice Grace Parker

Who's The Jerk Now?

I wrote the above entry on a piece of paper, meaning to stick it in my journal if things between Theo and me were ever good enough for me to get back my journal from him. I didn’t know whether he’d turn up in the park or not. I couldn’t sleep the night. Mom has been very decent and understanding. I’m sure she’s curious about what’s going on, but she’s not asked me one question. Not a single one. She did know something was terribly wrong, though. And she’d made pizza for dinner. Home-made pizza is my comfort food. I have pizza when I’m upset. I have pizza when I’m not upset. Mom makes the best pizza in the universe, and she’s not even remotely Italian! So I practically beg her for pizza all the time, and I think she privately enjoys it, because when I’m desperate for pizza, my praise can be really comic and totally OTT, which brings a smile on her tired face and extra cheese on my pizza’s saucy one. But last night she made pizza without me even asking for it. This is a definite first.

All I do all day is write stuff like this on scraps of paper, hoping I can stick them in the journal in which they belong. But that has me thinking about Theo, and making weird choking noises which get Mom into a panic, and so far I’ve consumed 3 portions of her awesome coffee with blue marshmallows (I’m generally just allowed one shot of caffeine, but Mom gets it that today’s an exception), and she’s hovering around stroking my back sporadically. For the first time, it’s not irritating. It’s just comforting to have her remind me that I have her. But that gets me feeling guilty because I still don’t trust her enough to tell her about Theo. (I’m shaking like leaves in a storm, and now I wish I hadn’t had so much coffee)

I suddenly realise that I’ve completely stopped using ‘we’. It’s just I now. Beatrice and Grace have sort of melded into a single person, who hates herself for being such a jerk, hurting everyone who is even remotely nice to her. I hate myself for making everyone sad. I hate it that I hate myself.