Je te laisse des mots

Everything has changed... I know it is for the best but the growing isolation has begun to overwhelm me. All there is left is to push through. Maybe that way I can finally move on and make way for all the good that is yet to come. HE left, so have many others. They've moved on with their life; found their calling or whatever. However, I've realized all the benefits that it has brought to me. Maybe we were never meant to be together or maybe our friendship clocked out. All I see now is dead weight being removed in order to make space for liveliness and stability. I have lied depression and let me tell you there is nothing more exhausting than clinging onto someone that was never meant to be in your life for than a small period of time. 

Gratitude... without it is greed. No one is grateful anymore. I could give advice to all of my friends and yet they never seem grateful. Do they even deserve it? Maybe. Everyone needs advice sometimes, but what about when you don't need it. What am I to you then? Just a means to an end. The healer, the giver. I think it's time to be a little selfish and set boundaries for those who take advantage. 

I keep having moment of derealisation...like I'm not supposed to be here. I never really seem to fit in either. Have I just not yet found my people? I don't know. Everyone seems so consumed by objects and money. Materialism is what it is. Life isn't about who has the bigger house or the sportier car; it's about experiencing. We are here to experience all of it: happiness, anger, loss, jealousy and love. All of the emotions I guess you could say. Life just doesn't make sense to me and that's okay; it's not supposed to. We are here to live not to struggle, right? There are so many unanswered questions and we consistently attempt to learn to mystery of life. But, maybe that is what is it meant to be... a mystery; live in it, thrive in mystery and unknown. The unknown could be scary, but when have ever really known anything. We just decide to believe what hear on the news, in school, by our parents. How could we know for sure any of it is the truth? We don't.

When you put it all into perspective, why are we even here? For what purpose? The issue though is not the ''Why''; it's the ''How''.  For instance, how do I experience the gift of life while being surrounded by negative energy; people who are blinded by what society deems as normal. The pressure it puts on a person. So much responsibility in such little time. So many questions unanswered. My solution is to answer them myself regardless of what the others think the response should be because in the end, others will always have different perception on the ''How'' and the ''Why''. This all might seem like gibberish but I know I am not where I am supposed to be... there's something missing. I just wish I knew what it was.