Symphony Of The Lost Souls

Lost in this cruel world

Pain has always been part of my life since i was a little one. It became one of the many things that happened to me within a day. Hindi kumpleto ang araw ko kung wala akong mararamdaman. Physical, emotionally or mentally, hindi pwedeng hindi ko siya mararamdaman.

I stared at the canvas that's in front of me. Still untouched, it's still white. Like a pure innocent child that when you drop any single color onto it, it will never be the innocent child that you know.

Slowly i let my fingers trace the scars within my left wrist, it's not that visible anymore. But still you can see the trace of violence that place in it. I've always been the one who's comfortable in any kinds of pain. Pain has always been the one that keeps me comfort. It was late when i realized that even in times of comfort, pain can always be your enemy.

I closed my eyes as i inhale the fresh air that's coming from the sea and exhale my thoughts that's been driving me to edge. As i opened my eyes, once again i'm back at the years when i'm trying to understand the mother i used to know that has been starting to give me pain.

Sometimes she let me hold her, and like a good girl i always obey what ever she says. Sometimes she always gets angry, even if i did nothing wrong i still get a slap from her. Kinukurot, sinasabunutan at pinag sasabihan ng kung ano ano hanggang sa mag sawa siya sa pananakit sakin. Deep down, i always question my loyalty at her. I never get angry at her, to her actions towards me. I always submit myself at her, an always submissive child of her that willingly accept her even if she breaks a hundred times.

Then there's a phase when she'll be so clingy at me. She'd be good at me, even play together with me and when the fun is about to end she'll snap and then again starts to hurt you in all possible ways. Like now.

I heard the glass shattered on the floor as she mashed a mug on it. Hinihingal siyang naka tingala sa ceiling ng bahay namin, hirap na hirap huminga. One deep inhale then she shoot me a death glare once again. I feel like i need to run away from her but my body won't move at all. Kahit ang mga daliri ko ay hindi ko maigalaw. Natatakot ako para sa sarili ko, alam ko ang kaya niyang gawin. Umilag man ako sasaktan at sasaktan niya ako.

"M-mommy..." I tried to call her. Pakalmahin siya, but she wouldn't. Tinignan niya pa ako ng matagal bago siya bumitaw ng tingin at saka umalis sa pag kakatayo niya at nag lakad papunta sa kwarto niya.

I should rejoice cause wala na siya. But like i said hindi matatapos ang araw na hindi niya ako sasaktan. I'll still get hurt, one way or another. Muli siyang lumabas ng kwarto niya but this time may naka pulupot na na sinturon sa kamay niya. I started to panic, i know pang gigigilan niya na naman ako to the point na ma-mamanhid na naman ang katawan ko.

"M-mommy... P-please... Don't... M-mommy I'm scared..." Nanginginig na pakiusap ko sakanya habang dahan dahang umaatras para maka layo sakanya.

A loud laughed escaped from her, parang bang ini-insulto niya ako sa paraan ng pag tawa niya sakin. Nakaka bingi, ayokong marinig ang tawa niya na yun.

Still crying and listening to her loud laughter i tried to not listen to it. Mommy is so scary whenever she laugh that way.

"Mommy? Wala akong anak na katulad mo! Naiintindihan mo ba yun?! Salot ka sa buhay ko! Patay ka na dapat! You should be dead years ago! Dahil tuwing nakikita kita gustong gusto kitang saktan!" Sigaw na sabi niya sakin the reason why i started crying loudly because of the fear of what was saying.

"Tumigil ka sa pag iyak mo! Tumigil ka! Ayokong marinig yang iyak mo! Ang ingay mo! Hindi ka titigil ha?! Halika dito at baka itong sinturon ang mag patigil sayo sa pag iyak!" And with that mabilis siyang lumapit sakin saka niya hinatak ang kamay ko at pahagis akong tinapon sa mga laruang kanina lang ay pinag lalaruan namin.