what you'd call life

chapter 1 - void

I saw him at school today. of course i saw him. he talked to me like he'd talk to every other person, but still, something inside of me thinks i'm something special to him. i try so hard to understand why he doesn't just ignore me but i fail everytime.
i also saw him kissing her today, i saw the way he looked at her.
it's not like i don't see the type of person he is, not that i still like him.
my friends keep asking and i keep telling them that I actually don't like him at all. but whenever i speak to him, it's like i'm not in control over my body. I'm usually a pretty confident person, i stand by the words i say and i think very clear. but when it comes to talking to him, god, i'm so helpless.
i feel like a tiny little bird, thrown out of his mothers nest, being stepped on by him.
i can feel my knees weaken when he looks at me, the air suddenly becoming thicker and thicker until it feels impossible for me to breathe and my mind running endlessly, begging me to look away.
but i can't.
our eyes randomly meeting across the room is the only thing i have left.
they say the eyes are like a window to the soul, so why is he willing to give me the most intimate and valuable aspect hiding in his mind?
it's like he has the power over all my consciousness for those particular two seconds in which we happen to lock eye contact.

after school i rode my bike home.
school was rough today. I can feel every wave of this feeling overwhelm me. i'm not sad. my mental health has actually improved a lot. but i'm not happy aswell. It feels like i'm stuck between two time zones, not sure when i should go to sleep though i'm feeling tired.
i do feel guilty for feeling this way. i get all the support i possibly could, my family is supporting and so is my school. i wonder, if things will ever get better. It's like a never ending downwards spiral, waiting to push you down in your most vulnerable moments.
it's like i'm numb and i don't really know how to turn on my emotions in order to just feel the slightest amount of joy. I wouldn't even complain if i was able to cry, that would just mean i'm alive.

i feel this void inside of me, but i can't seem to fill it, no matter how hard i try.
i wonder if that makes me ungrateful. i wonder if it makes me a bad person. having everything i need and still not feeling complete, feeling like i'm just pretending, even in front of myself.
I've been thinking about life a lot recently, and even though i realize how little my opinion of it actually means, i've come to the conclusion that the only thing that defines a human being as valuable is one's memory.
your current presence will never mean anything to this planet since society constantly evolves further and you will be forgotten anyways. your physical body can be replaced, since the materials that created your body can be found on this planet.
your memories on the other hand make you unique because no one will ever be able to view things from your perspective, let alone go through the same life as you.