Treated Better

Nervous freak.

Socially broken.

Not normal.

Needs help.

Everyone will hate me.

These are all thoughts I regularly had until I realised that they aren't true. What does it take for you to realize something like that, what does it take for you to suddenly change your view on yourself?

Love. Kindness. That is all it takes. The friendly love someone gives you when you first meet them, or when they barely know you. The kindness from someone who takes the time to listen and understand you. It is amazing what someone can do to unknowingly help another person.

Running off pure anxiety and nervousness. Barely any experience in social situations, I am standing frozen, in an eternal panic. Having no known idea of what to do, I stand like I'm frozen in time, observing the surroundings in complete detail, too terrified to talk to anyone. The background noise of everyone chatting and enjoying themselves fills my ears and overwhelms me.

'Why can't I just be social and normal, not awkward and anxious?' All I want is to join in and be liked.
I look at the food on the table. 'No'. 'Hate you, hate you, hate you' That is all I can think.
The one question that bothers me all the time, always present, 'Why am I like this?'. Nobody knows, not even me.
Clutching my sketchbook in both hands, I watch as I am approached by the teacher. Obviously, I am drawing some attention to myself, standing doing nothing, not socializing like every, other, normal, person. A wave of panic washes over me as she stops and says, "Hi".
In complete panic, I respond with a very quick, horribly pronounced, shy, "Hello?"
Extremely embarrassed by my horrible social skills, constricting the life out of my sketchbook, I feel like I am going to burst into tears. I stare slightly down at the teacher, she looks at me as though she understands, which completely confuses me.
"Hi, you must be Isla?"
'No, no, no, no, no, no,' "Yes, that's me" I respond in complete panic.
She continues to introduce herself, which is very thankful because I was so scared but excited to play the drama game before, that I completely forgot her name.
We continue to make conversation, and I explain more about myself, where I've come from, etc. I have never talked to someone I barely know for so long before. As proud of myself as I am, I still can't help thinking that I messed everything up.

As we are talking, another person joins the conversation. I honestly must admit I was enjoying some 1 on 1 talk with someone for once, so I was a bit embarrassed when they joined in. I remember seeing this person during the first part of everything and thinking 'They are so cool!!! I need to know their pronouns!' All I wanted was to ask the question, but I just couldn't and soon enough the teacher beat me to it. As scared as I was, I began to feel better about everything. Having someone listen and respect your wishes for once was something I missed.

I will always look back on that day and that experience and remember it in full detail, what the place looks like, how I felt, what I was wearing, everything. Everything apart from most of the conversation. An experience as small as that changed my view on people. The anxiety and stress I felt were so extreme yet that day something just clicked. The way I had been previously treated skewed my point of view on the way others treat you, and after all that I now finally understand. I understand that you must give new things a try and be accepting. Not everyone is the same, not every community or group will act the same. You can't treat every person you meet like they have done something wrong; it just doesn't work.

I don't think I will ever be the same. Before that happened, I was a broken person, someone who was not doing amazing, or even happy. If I didn't put myself through that, there would be no way I could walk the streets somewhat confidently, or even talk to new people like I can now. I am now someone who can ask for advice or have a casual conversation with someone, without spiraling into a panic, without the voice in my head telling me what to say or do.
One could say that I changed that day, or that someone taught me a lesson because when I walked out of that situation, I had other, new ideas of how I should do things. The confidence I walked out of that with was incredible. I made myself try to become a better person knowing that the next part of my life would be something like what I experienced.
Thanks to that, the bad thoughts about myself slowly disappeared.

You can do this.

Working on it.

Unique.

Getting there.

Nice to meet you.