Breathing you |b.e

Falling

Chapter 21
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My hand were placed in Billies as we walked through the corridor that was filled with students. But it was like we were the only one that existed. I felt Euphoric. Billie was mine and only mine. I was hers forever.

The familiar feeling that I had lived with for my whole life came back. My eyes wander around at the classroom. The teacher spoke but I didn't listen. Every time I swallowed I looked around me to be sure no one could hear it.

I looked over at Billie who never noticed the anxiety that had entered my body. She was in her own little world.

In and out. I was familiar to anxiety but it was never something I would accept. In and out. The air filled my lungs and I breathed out the carbon dioxide.

The class ended and I had not listened at all. I followed Billie and looked my hands with her. She seemed sad.

"You good?"

"Tired"

Something I had said for years when I couldn't explain what exactly I was feeling. I kiss her soft and watched her small figure go to her next class.

I wanted to follow her and make sure she was okay but I ended up in my next class besides Zeth.

"Is bil good?"

"Yeah or is she down?" Zeth looked slightly at me but mostly out of the window.

"Yeah something like that"

"Probably just need to smoke" he laughed and punched my arm lightly.
"Don't worry about it and...It is a party tonight if you wanna come"

"On a fucking Monday?"

"Got any better to do"

"I'll come"

He smiled wide at me and I smiled back.

"Zeth and Samantha move places, you are disturbing class"

My and Zeth gave each other faces as we slowly moved away. We had only talked for a couple of second and the class hadn't even begun.

Some teachers were always in a bad mood and took it out on the students. But I didn't argue with her.

I knew I had changed. If it had happened a month ago I would have cursed out the teacher and got sent to the principals office. But I didn't feel like doing shit like that anymore.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･:*

"I'm sorry if I been off today, I slept like terrible thats all" Billie said as we walked into the house filled with loud music and people everywhere.

Plastic cups and people pressed agains each other everywhere.

This felt like home and It had always been. It had been my escape. The place where I could relax.

Well I'm not sure anymore. I didn't need a party to feel okay. I just needed to be in Billies arms.

My goal that I was going to work on was finding myself. My sober self. I just didn't need to be intoxicated anymore and I really didn't want to. I wanted to remember everything and be myself true self.

If you get me would hear that she would laugh for fuck even me form a a few months ago. But I felt the change.

I sat in the corner of the sofa and watched Billie drink from her cup. She was beautiful.

I got bored and walked around the party. I found Zeth playing beer pong with some kids I didn't know.

"You wanna play" Zeth asked as he threw his ball and missed horrible.

"I wish because you really need the help but I'm trying to watch my figure you know" I laughed.

Time seemed to disappear as I stood there and watched. I got so engage in the game and caught myself cheering and laughing as the game went on.

But my mind just went back to Billie. Like everyday. I was so obsessed with her. I walked back and looked at the faces of the many drunk teenagers, but none of them where Billie.

The same feeling came back. The feeling of anxiety. I was going to be fine. I kept saying to myself. I knew I was overreacting but at the same time I couldn't control my feelings.

People pushed me around, at first I could take it. But after a while I got annoyed. I made way for myself as I walked around in the house and peeked my head inside the empty rooms.

The anxiety almost took over my body and I couldn't hear anything anymore. I tried to calm myself down but I couldn't.

It was probably okay. What if she was passed out somewhere. What if someone took advantage of her. My heart pounded fast.

I have always said my worst day was the day with Stella and nothing could compare to it. That her betrayal was one of the worst pains. The day it felt like my whole life fell down. Her words had hurt me more than anything and how she acted after was horrible. Because for a year I had the best times with her.

But I take it back. This is officially my worst day.

I walked around the corridor and I stopped at a close door. I opened the door slow and almost closed it. I had walked in in two girl fucking and I felt horrible.

I knew one of them.

The girl that I had fallen in love with. The girl with black hair and icy blue eyes. The girl that I had told all my secrets to and trusted so hard.

Every sound in the world disappeared and all I could her was that girls moans. They where loud and went through my every nerve.

The hickeys I had given that black haired girl still peeked under the loose shirt she had on while her fingers was in the girl.

"Hey Billie" her head turned to me and her eyes looked terrified at me.
"Yeah I take back what I said. I don't love you no more"

My voice was calm and I closed the door softly behind me. I was not myself anymore. It was like some else had taken over my body.

It was going on autopilot.

As I walking into the crowd of people I let them push me around as I felt weaker than ever before.

I was incapable of being loved by just only single person. If I had only listened to my stupid self who told me she would leave me from the beginning.

And she did.

I moved far away from the party. I didn't know where but I needed to get away. The air was cold and the roads where empty. My body shook uncontrollably and the only thing I saw was Billie and that girl. My tears stared to fall and my legs became weak.

I couldn't breath.

I fell to the ground and my tears kept falling

I was officially all alone. I always get left alone. Wow. Even fucking Billie would hurt me like that. Was it me that it was wrong with?

She was pretty, beautiful, sexy, nice, funny, caring and her friends where fucking great. Perfect. She was perfect.

Not one damn thing I could keep. Was I cursed? Was I used meant to suffer. The picture of Billie fucking that girl kept replaying.

I told her that I loved her. Yesterday. It was fucking yesterday. How did everything crash so damn fast.

She never said it back

I was so fucking stupid. She never loved me. We were nothing. I never even asked her what she felt. We was never even a couple. So fucking stupid.

I had nothing left.

7 days. I was going to try for 7 more days and if nothing changed I would finally rest. Fuck this.