Today was his day. Shrek woke up early. He gracefully jumped out of bed and fluttered over to the bathroom, where he took an almighty dump.
"Ah, I feel so much lighter" Shrek playfully giggled to himself. He washed his giant green hands and went back into his room to decide what to wear. He chose out a fabulous red dress, with glitter and leather lacing. He waltzed over to his vanity, which was lined with lights, glitter and pink feathers.
He looked at his perfume collection:
"Donkey Love Story? No not today.
Pretty Ogre? No, not that either. Today is a very, very special day.
Let's go with... Glamorous Onion Delight"
He sprayed the wonderful scent all over his wonderful ogre body, making sure to get extra in his armpits.
He lightly brushed his sausage fingers over his make-up collection. He grasped his favourite lipstick. It was a dark shade of orange, with a tinged scent of onion. He was sure that his lips would taste fabulous for his first kiss.
Today was his day.
Shrek's excitement was starting to get the better of him. Then he released some of this excitement in an unpleasant cloud of gas.
"Whoops!" He squealed, like a kitten.
Then he put on his wig, ready for the day. A quick hair-flip, and grabbing his purse, our now extremely glamorous Shrek ran out the door.
He got into his giant pink Jeep. And as a brush of wind hit him, his plastic hair flipping softly in the breeze, he smiled at the wonderful life he has. He drove to Prince Charming's house.
Today was his day.
He knocked on the door, three times with his fabulous giant green hands. When Prince Charming answered the door, Shrek melted with glee.
"You look beautiful today" They both said in unison, before giggling playfully.
"Come inside" Prince Charming invited. Shrek went immediately to his kitchen, where he made a platter of Onion flakes.
They sat down on the couch, and after quickly consuming the onion, the adorable two looked lovingly into each other's eyes. Shrek realised what was about to happen. They leaned in slightly, and Shrek got so many butterflies in his stomach he couldn't take it any more.
Shrek lurched in gracefully and kissed Prince Charming with great passion. He could taste a mixture of onions and Princes. It was the most glorious thing he had ever experienced.
Suddenly, there was a giant explosion. The fabulousness was too much for the universe to handle, and both Shrek and Prince Charming went flying into the air at great speed. Their love power levels were so high the Earth imploded and they flung through space, their lips still locked in place. The skies became rainbow and sparkly and Shrek was beginning to feel a burning sensation within him. The onions were taking over and Shrek couldn't resist anymore. He pulled away from the magnificent kiss, and when Shrek laid his eyes on Prince Charming it felt as if the chaos had stopped for a moment. All Shrek could see was the Prince; who had the orange onion lipstick smeared all over his face.
Prince Charming had never looked more handsome.
Then Shrek felt the onion-y urge rise up into his throat and snapped him out of his haze. He roared an almighty roar, and grabbed Prince Charming by the shoulders. He flung him out across space, and Shrek felt his ogre eyeballs bulging out of his head. The onion rage was too much, and he ripped his dress off and flew across space like a pop tart cat that farts rainbows. The explosions were growing more severe and Shrek knew he couldn't survive much longer.
He turned around, seeing a glittery pink ogre-seeking missile was approaching him. It strangely reminded him of his vanity. He remembered his lipstick and treasured his final thoughts of it's onion-y taste. He knew this was the end. The missile was getting closer. Shrek could feel it's fabulous power slowing him down.
He cried a single onion tear and his last thought was simply of regret.
Today was not his day.
