Original Simp | A Retro Tale

Chapter One: Promises, Promises

It was 1980 when I became the world's first and the original simp. I was thirteen years old and I was in love with a girl named Brigitte. I shouldn't say I was in love with her. I worshipped her. She was my Princess Leia and the queen of Space Invaders. No one could beat her and she held the game's top three spots down at the arcade. I knew her whole school schedule, what time she had lunch and when she got out of soccer practice. I always carried her books for her to first period like a puppy dog, meeting her every morning at her locker with a can of Mello Yello. It's her favorite drink. And on weekends I always made sure I had a pocket full of quarters so when she ran out of lives I was ready to load up a new game of Space Invaders for her.

Watching her play was like watching Michelangelo paint. She owned those aliens and I swear she could take them out with her eyes closed. Even shoot down that red UFO, too. So when it was announced that there was going to be a national Space Invaders championship tournament, it was obvious that Brigitte needed to enter it. There was only one problem. The tournament was for the new release for the Atari 2600 and she didn't own an Atari. Neither did I. We lived on the forgotten side of Chicago in the projects. That meant we were poor. On food stamps and we ate government cheese. When she found out the tournament wasn't for the arcade version but for the home console, my princess was heartbroken. There was nothing I could do to cheer her up.

Then one day, we were hanging out in her bedroom listening to her Sugar Hill Gang record and I was painting her toenails orange, her favorite color, when she was looking at the entrance form for the tournament and feeling so sad. Something came over me and I asked her if she wanted me to buy her an Atari.

"You'd do that?" she jumped up and asked, with a sparkle in her eyes I hadn't seen in days. She messed up my paint job too, but I didn't mind fixing it.

"I'd do anything for you," I replied and I gave a silly bow. "It is my duty to do Brigitte's bidding."

And that became my number one simp rule: simping starts from the door to the floor. Always show your devotion by bowing down to your Princess Leia when you enter her presence.

"You may rise," she giggled and presented her foot for me to correct her polish. "The tournament is in a month though and I'll need time to practice. How soon can you get one?"

"I don't know," I replied, slowly realizing I have gotten in over my head. There was no way I could afford an Atari 2600. How was I going to come up with $189.95? It's not like I can mow any yards in the projects. "How soon do you want one?"

"I don't know. I guess I could wait until next weekend. Three weeks should be enough time to understand how it works. Is that enough time for you?"

"Oh, sure," I lied as I blew on her toes. I was so screwed.

The minute I left her apartment was the minute I turned into a street hustler. But no matter what I did and I did it all – I carried groceries, I did housework up and down the building, I fixed TVs and even danced to one old lady's Marvin Gaye record collection – by Thursday I only had $7. And that wasn't going to cut it. I was sulking in my bedroom when I overheard the voice of my uncle talking to my mom in the living room. He was begging his sister to let him borrow her stereo system for a party he was throwing Friday night and she wasn't having any of it.

"I said no, Gerald," she said, shutting down the aspiring disk jockey.

"Come on, Diana. I promise I won't ever ask for anything else from you ever again," he begged.

My mom got a good laugh from that.

"Until the next time you're about to be evicted."

My uncle Gerald scoffed before turning to see my peeking my head from around the corner of the small hallway.

"Hey, little man," he said with a smile, pulling the toothpick out of his mouth. "Wanna make some money tomorrow night?"

"Oh no you don't, Gerald!" my mom interjected. "You're not getting him involved in your little schemes!"

"If I can't borrow your stereo then why can't I borrow your son, little sis?"

I looked at my mom and shrugged. Now it was her turn to scoff and she turned to the TV to watch some guy named Mr. T winning the toughest bouncer contest on "Games People Play".

"What do I gotta do, Uncle Gerald?" I asked, ignoring the big man on the television and thinking of how to get Brigitte her Atari.

"I need you to spread the word and pass out these flyers."

He handed me a pile of Xeroxed papers that had a dancing letter "G" with white gloves logo on them that read:

DJ Gee Flow Block Party

Friday May 2nd 1980

Rockwell Gardens

7pm – Midnight

Drinks. Dancing. MC Contest

$3 Entry

"How much will I make?"

"Look at my little hustler," Uncle Gerald said with a smile. "How about five dollars?"

"Five dollars?!" I said with a scowl. "I'm busy."

My mom got another good laugh at her brother's expense.

"Well, what about lookout then?"

"Excuse me?" my mother interrupted with a raised eyebrow.

"I mean door guy. Like a bouncer. Like that man on the tv there."

"Mr. T?" I asked.

"Yeah, like Mr. T. Kick out all the people doing bad things."

"How much?"

"One dollar for every person who shows up. How about that?"

"How many people are gonna show up, Uncle Gerald?"

"Well that's up to you, little man because I still need you to pass out those flyers. Every person who comes to the block party with one of those flyers of yours, I'll give you one dollar of their cover fee. So the sky's the limit, I suppose."

"Like two hundred dollars, maybe?"

"Two hundred dollars, huh?" Uncle Gerald pondered. "Maybe. But you better start spreading the word now."

"No you better not!" my mom shouted. "It's a school night. You need to get to bed right now."

My uncle walked over to me and leaned down, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"I appreciate you, little man," he whispered. "I'll give you an extra twenty if you help me sneak out your mama's stereo tomorrow night, too."

I grinned.

"You got yourself a deal, Uncle Gerald," I whispered back.

"What are you two talking about?" my mother demanded.

"Oh nothing, Di," my uncle replied, giving me a wink. "Just thanking this fine young man for all his help."

"Mmhmm, I'm sure you are. Go on and get out of my house now, Gerald. Before you turn him into a lowlife just like you!"

"Yes, ma'am," my uncle answered as he gave me a slick handshake and another smile. "I'll catch up with you later, kid."