Alone

Chapter Three

Jack's POV

Selfish. That's the only word that can be used to describe me. Here I am, standing outside the door to our apartment with my head leaning against the solid oak, trying to decide whether I should just abandon Lila and Kathleen all together. All I'm ever going to do is hurt them. Only twenty four hours ago I was doing everything I could to be standing by Kathleen's side to protect her, and now I've left her. Seeing her again makes me remember my mistake, one that was unforgivable. If she could remember what I did to her, she wouldn't be speaking to me, let alone letting me come anywhere near her. How could anyone as beautiful and as pure as her, love someone like me?

Suddenly, the even breathing that I had been listening to through the door turned to heavy sobs. Then, I hear a thud as she falls to her knees, continuing to cry out in pain. What kind of person am I, to be listening to her pain and not embracing her? Is my love for her not stronger than my fear of hurting her? 

"SCREW YOU JACK!" She screams, muffled by the barrier of the door. Now I'm on the ground with my head in my hands. Walking out that door was a mistake, she'll never be able to trust me again. But when she screamed out in pain during our kiss, I felt so guilty. I don't want to cause her any more pain then I already have. 

"Kath?" I hear from outside the door. Even Lila's quiet but steady voice could be heard through this wood. I almost wish that it couldn't be. "Kath are you okay? Where's Jack?" I had forgotten that she calls Kathleen Kath. I always thought that Kathleen had such a pretty ring to it, and when I called her Kath it felt like we were just friends. A nickname is something a friend would call you, not the love of your life. 

"Yes I'm sorry," Kathleen sniffles, then regains her composer and says, "Jack and I just had a small fight. He went out to cool off for a few minutes." She's still protecting Lila's image of me. I know that Kathleen and I always keep things from Lila, but this seems a bit extreme. She doesn't even know if I'm coming back. I don't know if I want to go back. 

*BEEP* Wow, I haven't heard that sound in awhile. They didn't want me to think... about leaving Kathleen? That makes no sense. Even though I don't like to listen to what the sounds in my head are disagreeing with, I think that they might be right for once. How could I leave Kathleen and Lila? Without me, there's no one there to protect them. Kathleen's in no shape to fight and Lila has a panic attack pretty much everytime she has to pick up a gun. How could I do this to them? I'm not going to leave them, even if I'm afraid of hurting them. I may not be able to forgive myself now, but that feeling of guilt would be ten times worse if I abandoned the only people I have ever loved.

Somehow I muster up the courage to open the door, only to find Kathleen sobbing into Lila's shoulder while sitting on the dusty hardwood floor. When Lila sees me walk in, she stands up and gives Kathleen a hand to pull her off the ground as well. Lila gives me a stony cold look, then walks into her bedroom and shuts the door. I take this moment of silence between Kathleen and I to study her facial features. So much has changed in these last few months, but Kathleen still looks the same. Except now her tears have made pale stains on her already white face. I caused those tears. I did that to her. 

"I don't need answers," she chokes, "I just need you." Then she steps forward to embrace me and squeezes as tight as she can. I only allow my hands to lay softly on her back. 

**

Before I go to bed, I walk in to Lila's room to check on her. As soon as I open the door she hisses, "What on earth did you say to her to make her cry like that?"

"We just had a small fight, don't worry about it," I reply nonchalantly, hoping she'll understand that I don't want to talk about it. 

"Don't worry about it? Jack I'm sick of your shit," Lila shouts. She only swears when she's really pissed... this must be one of those times. "I know that you and Kathleen haven't been telling me things. Important things. Don't get me wrong, I know that you think you're 'protecting my innocence', but I lost it a long time ago. I'm a vital member of this team and I deserve to know what's happening." She's not wrong, but she's not exactly right either. Some things just need to be between Kathleen and I. 

"Come here," I say, taking a seat on her bed. She sighs, but sits down anyway. Then, I put my arm around her shoulder and explain, "I know that you're a vital member of our team. These last four months have been hard on both of us, but I need you to stay strong. Kathleen's not exactly in a good mental state right now-"

"But why?" She interjects, "What did they do to her?" I'm silent. How do I respond to her question without freaking her out? Besides, I don't think Kathleen wants to Lila to know what's wrong with her. "Jack-"

"She's just a little tired, that's all," I stammer. As she opens her mouth about to disgree with me, I say, "Goodnight Lila," and kiss her on the cheek. I don't know if I can handle anymore of her questions tonight. Closing the door behind me, a let out a sigh of relief. I hate keeping secrets from her. When Kathleen was being held captive, Lila and I were a team. I taught her how to shoot and showed her basic fighting maneuvers, and she picked them up faster than I ever thought she could. We stayed up for long hours together trying to come up with a plan to rescue Kathleen. She stayed strong even when I couldn't... so why don't I feel like she can handle it now? 

 "Jack?" Kathleen says from in our room, "Are you coming to bed?" Instead of responding, I walk into our room and climb in to bed while still processing what Lila just said to me. I have to ask her..

"Kathleen?" I whisper so that Lila can't hear me through the walls, "What are we supposed to tell Lila?" She falls silent. 

"I don't want to tell her anything," she finally states after a minute or so of deafening silence. When I open my mouth to protest, she explains, "Because how could she handle something like this? I don't know how to explain what's wrong with me, so how am I supposed to comfort her?" She looks straight at me while she says this. For a second, I believe that she isn't talking about Lila anymore. She's talking about me. 

I ignore her pleading eyes and argue, "But Kathleen, she isn't the little twelve year old girl that we picked up off the streets anymore! I understand that there's somethings that should just be kept between you and I, but this is too important to not tell her about." 

Instead of fighting back, she looks at me with quizzical eyes and says, "We picked her up off the streets?" She sighs, trying to remember, but when she can't she asks, "Will you tell me the story?"

It was a cold day in January and you and I had already been living together for around 2 and a half years. We were in the city that they used to call Boston, but I can't remember what they call it anymore. We were living in this abandoned house on the outskirts of the city to make sure that we were far away from any officials at all times. But, on this particular day we had to go into the city to get food, but because we didn't have any money, we had to steal it or dig it out of the trash. Not exactly our best plan of action, but somehow we didn't get caught. As we trudged through the snowy streets, we came upon an alley way that was behind a well known resturaunt so naturally we stopped to check their trash bins. As we were rifling through the discarded food, we suddenly heard a whimper coming from behind one of the bins. You moved the bin forward a few feet to find Lila sitting there, shivering from the cold. Simultaneously we looked at one another and nodded our heads in agreement. I went to pick her up, and she didn't even flinch. She wrapped her arms around me and cried into my shoulder as we walked all the way back home. Later we found out that she had just run away from her family, and had nowhere to stay for the night. That's the night that we all became a family.

"I love that story," Lila says from the doorway, pulling Kathleen and I out of the past. She continues, "You know how scared I was that day? Unimaginably. But as soon as I was with you guys, I wasn't scared anymore. I need you to realiza that I can handle more than you think." 

Kathleen sighs and mutters, "Can we talk about this tomorrow? It's getting really late and-" 

"No!" Lila yells but then sees the look of distress on Kathleen's face and says softly, "No, we're having this discussion now." Kathleen and I glance at one another in silence. I can't speak for her, and she knows that. Lila stands at the door waiting for Kathleen to say something. 

"I don't remember..." Kathleen whispers. She tries to continue, but the words seem to be stuck in her throat because once she says them out loud, they become real. 

"You don't remember what?" Lila edges on. 

"...Anything."

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