im not sure if im writing this to comfort myself, educate others or just because ive ran out of people to rant to but here goes.
currently im 18 and ive had depression my whole life. even as a kid people knew I had it. a kid with depression, its insane and incredibly unbelievable but apparently that's my life. my entire life is depression. do I have depression or is it just all I am. I remember the feeling of when I first got my diagnostic MDD. MDD. what is that? that was my first thought. I was in denial for awhile. ok like a whole 3 years. but I got diagnosed when I was 13. 13! I had barely lived and yet I couldn't bare the thought of living anymore. when people talk about depression they don't tell you how weird it actually is. when I get a depressive episode I always describe it in a certain way.
ok imagine someone pours warm gravy on your head and it just goes down your body. that's the only way I can describe it which is clapped. its like its all you can feel and you cant ignore it no matter what. it takes over your whole body in an overwhelming but somehow comforting way.
sometimes I actually find comfort in being depressed. which is very confusing I know but I don't know I guess it feels natural to me. right now im ok, im not exactly happy but im ok. yet I know tonight im gonna question why im still alive.
I have a past of self harming which I wont talk about a lot for obvious reasons, no one really wants to hear about that but I call it being 'sober' when im clean im sober. not sure why I started that but it its what I use when speaking about it with my therapist.
that reminds me ive been in therapy since I was in year 5, ive practically spent my whole life around therapists which I why I think they're ineffective now. I can now manipulate and lie to anyone I shouldn't I know and I tend not but I can. its like my super power. you spend enough time with psychologist you learn a lot about human behaviour.
I feel like my entire life has been depression. when my mum gave birth to me she suffered with post partum depression. she could barely look at me as a baby never mind take care of me. the rest of my family raised me from birth. my mum and me have never had that bond. the post partum depression she got from me actually started her 18 year long alcoholism. and I know people say never blame yourself but I mean it literally is what made her an alcoholic. over time as my mum couldn't care for me she began to hate me more and more. at the age of 1 my mum hated me more then anyone. she couldn't stand me. my cry made her drink, any achievement I made, walking, crawling, starting to talk made her drink. I do love her. I just wish she wasn't ill. ive always hated people with good mums. she cant help it so I try not to get angry at her but out of 9 sibling im the only one without a bond with her. ive watched her raise and care for 9 other people. that hurt the most seeing others receive the love I craved more then anything.
the thing with mental illness is one illness also tends to leave onto more, I have a lot of autistic trates which people tend to notice a lot. my anxiety is omg mad don't get me started on that. I remember actually learning the difference between just being nervous and anxiety. I did not know that being in pain and forgetting how to breathe and passing out isn't normal. who know. ok my anger is a weird topic, im usually too depressed to care but I have this thing called 'beast mode' I named it in year 9 so less judgement please. basically as my mum would say 'id see red' I get so angry I mentally black out and never remember what I actually do. been a good year since its happened though so think im chill.
