Clash Of Cultures

35. Scars, Inside and Out

**Trigger warning: themes of child abuse**

Salman

Mustafa was still intubated but only required minimal help from the ventilator now. His medical team hoped that he would be taken off that machine in the next 24 hours. As I looked down at his angelic face, I remembered exactly why I had gone in to Pediatrics. Children were so innocent, even when they were sick they somehow knew how to live life to the fullest.

That is till they were broken down and destroyed by the adults in their life.

I stroked the palm of his small hand with my finger and he immediately grasped it. His eyes fluttered open and when he looked at me, the pressure in my chest lightened for a brief moment.

"Hey little man! Its your uncle", I whispered to him, "As soon as you get out of here, we are going to have so much fun"

"You are going to be such a good father", Sara smiled at me.

Me? A father?

I felt my body freeze, as my mind vividly remembered a dream I had a few months ago. In it, Noor was sitting on the sofa in my living room, cradling a baby, our baby. Her face was full of joy as she cooed at the infant, and then looked up at me beaming from ear to ear. Even in the dream her smile had made my heart race. I had woken up in an empty bed that night, but my heart was full. Most men had exotic dreams about the woman they were interested in. And here I was dreaming about having a family with her. I knew then, she was it for me.

But that was when there was some hope for us. Now it was just a dream, that would never become a reality.

I looked at Sara who was lovingly stroking her son's head, "Yeah, I think I am going to contend myself with just being an uncle, it's not like I will be having any kids of my own....no wife...no kids!"

Sara shot me a concerned look, "Oh Salman, come on, you have to get over her. I know you'll find someone else"

"How Sara? How am I supposed to get over her? It is tearing me up inside to see her every day...and pretend like we are just colleagues", I was trying to keep my voice even, but failing miserably.

What I had not yet told my sister was that even though seeing Noor on a daily basis was absolutely gut-wrenching, the thought of not seeing her at all was so terrifying that I had declined the fellowship offer from Boston. I knew that did not make any sense, but being desperately in love with a woman you had no future with also made no sense. Yet, here I was!

"Talk to her for God's sake! Tell her how you feel...", Sara said shaking her head.

"I can't, you know that. It's too late!"

She had made her choice. And it wasn't me.

I had to leave for clinic then, but not before Sara insisted that she wanted to sleep at my place that night. I was off from work the next day and had to study for my board exams anyway so I agreed to switch places with her. Though I should have realized that something was fishy, because she had always slept overnight in the hospital before then.

When Noor walked in to Mustafa's ICU room that night, I finally understood my sister's trick play! She must have known that Noor was on call.

Ha...well done little sister! Too bad it wasn't going to change anything

That is how we ended up in the cafeteria that night. I had fully expected her to get coffee and go back up to the residents room. But she surprised me, and probably herself, when she followed me to an empty table in the almost deserted cafeteria.