Destiel - my way back to you

my way back to you

Dean pov - 

Son of a bitch we did it we actually did it. We beat god. The biggest bad of em all. So why doesn't it feel like we won? Deep down I know why but I can't admit it if I do then it's real if I admit that he's gone that's it there's no bringing him back. Then I don't know what ill do or how I can cope. He was everything to me and I didn't say it back. I tried to but I'm too fucking emotionally constipated to say it back. And now I just feel empty.

Sammy can tell something is wrong. I never told him what cas said, only what he did. I don't know why I can't tell Sam I know he will accept me, it's just that I don't think I can accept it. Let's just say that John wasn't the most open-minded person and he left scars mentally and physically. Hell, I remember going to Sonny's home for boys for shoplifting. You really think those bruises were off a werewolf

For the past week, I've been rewatching the video feed from the dungeon from when it happened. I don't know why maybe to torture myself because I failed him. I should have saved him. There must be something that I could have done. I could have jumped in with him at least then we could have spent eternity together, that would have been better than nothing. all those years of confusion, stares, and hugs that always lasted a little too long to just be friendly were for nothing, if I just realized sooner we could have spent at least some time together maybe he may still be alive.

Sam's pov - 

Deans not ok I can tell he's trying to hide it but I'm his brother I can tell when he's not ok. When we talk he seems ok except for the obviously fake smile. But as soon as he turns away I can see his face drop and tears brim in his eyes. and I'm not gonna start when he wakes up in the night screaming. I go to ask him if he's ok but he walks away before I can.

I walk to Dean's room and go to knock on the door but before I can hear something playing on the Bunker's laptop. "Don't do this cas" but it sounds like it came from the laptop and dean. I knock on the door and the sound stops. "Dean? … I found us a case... Not far from here" as I opened the door the laptop slammed shut. I know I shouldn't but I needed to know what's on that laptop. For dean's sake.

I'm dragged from my thoughts when Dean speaks his voice hoarse from crying though he'll never admit it. " am, Sam SAM! Where's the case?" "Oh sorry I zoned out. just a few hours away so we should be back in a couple of days". after a pause and after seeing dean run his hands over his face. "and you should get a shower before we go. I don't want to spend hours in a car with you when you smell like that". When I say this, Dean sighs but nods his head. it may have been an excuse to get him out of the room but it was true.

After he's out of sight, I take the laptop and run to my room before shouting "hey!, I'm gonna hit the sack for an hour while you get ready" all I hear is a mumble back. I close my door and lock it, I lay the laptop on my desk and open it taking a seat at the chair behind the desk and find the screen on the bunker CCTV library, "so if this is about cas, I'm assuming it's in the dungeon where dean told us it all went down on the 5th of November" I click on the recording for that day and fast forward till I see cas carrying dean into the room.

it all happened so fast and it was intense just watching it. Billy was banging on the door then that's when something changed in cas. he turned to dean. He started to explain to Dean the deal he made. that I already knew but then he started this big monologue about how dean is the most caring man on earth and that he was more than just dad's blunt instrument. then I heard "you changed me dean" when I heard this tears started to brim in my eyes. I know I may not have been as close to Cas as Dean was but he was still my best friend so just hearing him talk like this broke me. then dean responded "why does this sound like a goodbye" " because it is." Then came the words I wasn't prepared to hear. "I love you, goodbye dean" then like that dean was thrown to the floor and the empty took cas and he was gone.