Our Deepest Regrets

History Unfolding

            I used to visit the library as a kid, it gave me solace. When my parents would argue, they would lock themselves in their room for god knows how long depending on the topic. Their biggest fight was about how daddy was in the military, and how his job was dangerous. Rifling through old antiques I suppose people call them. Fighting in a war that was not our own, years before I was born. Daddy was never the same according to mama. But when he was home, I was his little girl... even if he wasn't the same, he was never different through my eyes. He would always take me to daddy-daughter dances, dance his heart out with me, laugh, and smile until his face hurt. He'd jump on the trampoline with Asher, Brooke's and myself... I may not remember much of him, but what I do remember, they're some of the best memories I have. My dad died seven years ago while deployed. The fact that he's gone haunts me everyday. I don't even remember my last words to him, did I even say I love you? Did I give him one last hug goodbye...? I couldn't tell you. Daddy's missions were always private, he'd tell me stories, but that was after the fact when he would get home. When he got information on his next deployment, he'd just sigh; His sighs were always when he was stressed or didn't want to deal with shit. They were deep and thoughtful, he would throw his head back and close his eyes, after he would roll his head a few times, and he'd focus on the ground and roll his eyes. I'd always laugh at him and he'd join in. It was almost as if it brought him closure, his eyes would soften when they fell on my laughing figure. As we were laughing he'd always wrap me up in a hug and just squeeze and kiss my head. It was his way of telling me that he loved me. He wasn't always the easiest to please because of his missions, but I held a special place in his heart so it was easier for me. Maybe that's why mama married a man so opposite of daddy. But I couldn't tell you. My stepdad has now been in my life for a little over three years. Joe is his name, and he tries to be a father figure in my life, but after my dad, I feel as though I don't need one. He met mama one day when she was getting a Diet Pepsi. He had tried to hit on her and ask her out, but she said no. Once again she bumped into him, and he kept trying, she still said no. She came home one day after Joe had hit on her one last time and she told me about the interactions. She asked me, "Even though your father and I didn't get along the most, do I give this guy a shot? Do I meet him and possibly go on a date," tears swelled in her eyes and I could see she was hurting. The only thing I could think to say to brighten her spirits were, "Mama, you've been alone for too long. Too many failed dates who were assholes to be honest, you deserve to be happy... Even if that means putting yourself out there one more time. And as you're always saying, 'Things come to those who wait'. Also it's never when you'd expect it. Maybe just give it a shot. You never know, but I back you 100% mama," with a sympathetic tone.

Even though Joe seems like an open book, I can never tell, I always feel as though he's hiding something. His pay doesn't add up. His line of work should be paying $400 a paystub, but he ends up earning $1450 excluding taxes. That's one of the things the Society decided to keep on, to help keep everything in order, but is it really order if their just stealing what was done in the past...? He seems happy despite our past hardships. He makes mama happy so that's all that really matters. What irks me is that feeling that he has dark secrets, the feeling that sends a shiver down your spine, the kind that makes you think they have literal skeletons in their closet. I've never questioned how he earns so much, but he says it's from doing some side work. No one ever asks further questions after that. My mom seems to trust him, I just feel as though their wedding was a littleeeeeeeee rushed.... They had only been dating 6 months when they got engaged, and then where engaged for less than a month.

The day of my parents wedding I was out of town. It was during the month of Sunshine, the months once known as June and July. It was a quaint little wedding, with family and friends. From what I was told it was out in the woods, with lights strung up from air giver to air giver. I read once that they were called trees, but we call them air givers now. I think it's interesting how many things the Society has changed...

    As a young girl growing up, it was always interesting to hear new names for objects I had read about in books. Sungivers for example, are what used to be called lamps, or lightbulbs. Candles are the only thing used as it prevents further pollution. The word has been so different from the times that have been talked about in the past, or from my grand-mère. I've heard of many different things; birds I would have loved to have seen, with all of the air pollution unfortunately most of the sky creatures are either severely disfigured, or extinct.