Sir Rob's True Tales

The Tulip Bubble

The Netherlands, Anno Domini 1637

It was a perfectly normal day in the life of Jan van Leeuwen. Not at all the sort of day on which you'd suspect that someone would demand to search your arse for hidden tulips. But there you go, that's life in Amsterdam for you.

Our story begins perfectly harmless. It was a beautiful summer afternoon, and Jan was just returning from a trip to the countryside, looking forward to seeing his sister and little niece again (though may be not so much brother-in-law) when he came upon a little cottage by the roadside. In front of the cottage, garden full of beautiful tulips stood in full blossom, and birds chirruped in the trees.

"How beautiful!" exclaimed Jan, who had always been something of a nature-lover. He loved and admired most of the things he didn't have a hope of understanding, and among these nature ranked third. Children ranked second, and ladies first.

Approaching the garden, he bent over the hedge to sniff at one of the tulips-a beautiful, deep red specimen that smelled intoxicating. Temptation tugged at his nose.

He hesitated. Yes, it was a beautifully kept garden, every flower kept in pristine condition, but surely the owner wouldn't mind if he took just one flower? Just a single one?

Reaching out, he grasped the tulip by its stem and picked it, just as the door to the cottage swung open and a burly with a large ruff around his neck stepped out.

Crack!

The breaking of the tulip stem echoed through the garden like a gunshot. The burly man's eyes zeroed in on Jan, and bulged. In a flash, his hand darted through the open door into the cottage. When it was withdrawn again, it held a pistol, ready and loaded.

"Tulip-thief!" he bellowed. "Die! Die, you miserable villain!"

"Aaah!"

Jan threw himself to the ground just in time to avoid being torn to shreds by a massive leaden bullet. Whizzing over his head, it disappeared into the distance. Jan felt something light against his cheek. Feeling with his fingers, he found the separated heads of three more tulips, torn away by the deadly projectile.

"Raaaah!"

The mad bellow of the garden-owner shook him from his paralysis and sent him jumping to his feet.

"You!" The burly man was pointing a quivering finger at him. "It's all your fault! Four of my most beautiful Semper Augustus destroyed, because of you! A vandal! A vagabond! A tulip-murderer!"

"I assure you, Sir that I meant no harm," Jan said, hurriedly. "I only..."

"Klootzak! Schavuit!" the man bellowed, followed by considerably worse Dutch expletives. Jan opened his mouth to defend himself again, but then he noticed that the man had started re-loading his pistol, and it occurred to him that it might not be a good idea to stick around until he was finished.

"Well..." Chewing on his lip, and nervously looking from left to right in case there were any more madmen lurking about, Jan began to retreat down the road. "If you don't need me anymore, I'll be going now, I think. I mean... I can see you're very busy, growing tulips, killing passing strangers, must be a busy life, ahahahaha."

"Stop! You stop right there! Tulip-killer!"

Another shot rang out. Jan ducked, feeling it shoot over his head, and reached the safety of a little clump of trees just in time. The third bullet thudded into a tree not two feet left of him. Jan didn't stop. Only when he was well into the trees, hidden from the sight of the shooting maniac, and the man's shouts had faded into the distance, did he allow himself to slow down and lean panting against the tree, the picked tulip still clutched in his hand.