𝙋𝙍𝙀𝘾𝘼𝙍𝙄𝙊𝙐𝙎

Drowning in My Tears Again

* Aspen *

"You don't even have to tell me. I heard, Aspen."

I crawl into my mother's bed, feeling weak and low. "How could she embarrass me like that twice in a day?" I ask, burying my face into her chest.

"Baby, you guys are young. You aren't in your right minds nor are you thinking clearly," she sighs. Rubbing my head, she hums softly. I feel like complete shit, my mind replaying over and over that little shit Nieva pulled. "It's like my entire life has became confusing. I thought I'd know who I am by now. Everyone else in high school seems to have it figured out."

"Because Dean has life figured out, you think that you should have it figured out too?" my mother asks me curiously. "Everybody goes about life differently," she then says. "No one is ever gonna be the same, Aspen. Not completely."

"I was starting to accept things. Starting to feel better with Unity's help. We were just hanging out for goodness' sake. Then Nieva had to- Ughh! Now everyone's gonna be talking about us. This is not the type of attention I want."

My mother sighs. "Now I hate to say this but...maybe it's time to reconsider if you should keep Nieva close to you at all?"

"Hey, my beautiful women," my father enters the room, coming out of the bathroom in a red robe.

"Hey dad," I mumble, burying my face back against her chest. "What's wrong sugar?" he asks. Of course he wouldn't know, he wasn't much for gossip. God, I wish a lot more people in this town were that way. "Young love," my mother sighs wistfully, years of wisdom and heartbreak heavy in her voice.

"Ah. Well, um, I'll be in the living room."

I watch as my dad leaves and I look up at my mother. "Why do guys do that? Whenever emotions come up or natural feminine things, they close themselves up."

"I don't know baby. Society maybe?" my mother shrugs. I sigh, hugging her tight against me. "About earlier, Mom," I trail off. "Yes?" she gazes down at me sleepily. "What if I wanna be a boy. Or, be something completely different that's away from male or female?" I shake my head. "I just feel so conflicted."

"Are you worried that...if you decided that's what's best for you, that no one will ever love you? That Nieva won't still want to be with you?"

I freeze at her statement. "I feel like a part of me does," I whisper, honest. "If I could just figure out these two things, I'd live a happier life. Will Nieva and I be together? And what am I?"

"Maybe instead of trying to figure out what you are, maybe you should just be yourself," my mother suggests. Turning off her Netflix that I didn't realize she was playing, she gives me a tired smile. "I have work tomorrow and the school sent an email that you guys can come back since the water leak is cleared. Good night baby."

"Good night," I whisper, leaving her bed and softly closing the bedroom door behind me.

The morning came too soon. I rolled out of bed and threw on a cute outfit, hoping that I appeared calm and collected for all the stares I'm sure to receive.

"You look beautiful today," my mother complimented me, making herself a quick breakfast. My father was watching a sports highlight intensely and mumbled in agreement to my mother's statement. "Good morning," I say to both of them.

"After school, I don't need your help if you wanna hang with your friends," my father says tentatively, pausing the television. I blink, a bit surprised. "Oh...thanks," I give him a happy smile. "Do you wanna ride to school today? Or take the car?" my mother asks me, handing me an apple. I bite into the green tart apple, considering my options.

Normally I'd take any chance to ride the motorcycle, but today I didn't really feel like it. "Car it is," I shrug. Maybe I'd have some time to talk things out with my mother. For her to help me navigate my confusing life.

"Love you sweet pea," my dad said as we walked out the house. I try to keep an open expression on my face as I get into the car. What's up with them being nicer than usual? Maybe they feel bad for me.

"Make sure you keep your chin up today. A lot of people are going to have their opinions, Aspen. Remember that you're your own boss and none of these kids have been in your shoes. You are your own person with your experiences. Whatever identity you may choose, just know your father and I support you. If Nieva is giving you problems, or even Unity, remember that you can always make new friends. And if you feel uncomfortable today, feel free to let me come pick you up."

"Thank you mom," my eyes water up.

"Hey, don't cry. Your makeup looks amazing, girl." My mother gives me a side hug as we arrive at the high school. "You're a baddie, Aspen. Okay?" my mother grins. "Go kill em." I pop in my earbuds and give my mother a smile. I turn up some Beyoncé as I walk confidently into the school building.

"Hey Aspen," some girl calls out to me. I can't tell if she's tryna be funny, by her tone, or not, but I nod back in her direction. I feel a minor headache pounding in my head, but ignore it as I head to my first class. Unsurprisingly, I bump into Unity. I don't know whether to approach her about what happened yesterday or if I should pretend I don't see her.

Luckily, she saved me from having to make a decision because she pulled me to the side and gave me a large hug. "You don't have to say anything. I'm fine. You're fine. And none of that was your fault."

I sniffled against her shoulder, trying to keep my somewhat happy mood from faltering. "I can't believe she would do that, Unity."

She pulled back from me and sighed. "I got a chance to talk to her a bit a couple of minutes ago. We worked things out." I rose an eyebrow, already seeing where this was going. "I don't even wanna look at her right now. I'm not ready to hear some half ass apology after she believed some dumb rumor and then proceeded to embarrass me in front of the entire town, Unity. I don't throw around my mercy or my forgive...ness. I've been hurt by a lot of people by just going along with stuff or easily forgiving them. Today is the day I put my foot down."

"I just think you should hear her out with this one," she shrugs. "Well what did she tell you?" I sigh, growing frustrated. "I can't say. It's for her to tell you," she shakes her head. "I'm just trying to keep you guys from causing another world war. I'm not getting in between this though."

"Seems like you're choosing her side," I scoff.

"Aspen, I went with you to the movies. I'm trying to help you resolve things with your best friend. If you can't see that I'm trying to help you two do what's best for the both of you, then maybe you needa reevaluate some things."

I watch Unity walk away, not knowing what to feel.

"Guess I should find her," I mumble to myself.