The Sky And Its Stars

Chapter twenty three: Adam

"Can I tell you something, dad?" Drew's voice echoes in the darkness of my room.

My arms have been wrapped around him for a while now that they have started to get numb, but after seeing Brandon's half empty room this morning, there is no way I am letting go of Drew.

"Sure, what is it?"

"I've always had these, um...these dreams."

"What dreams?" I ask when he stays silent for a long time, like he is regretting his decision in telling me.

"These dreams where you would come home late and find me sitting by the door waiting for you, and each time I would say:"tell me where you've been ,dad." and every time you would look at me with a puzzled expression and say: "I don't know." with a low voice, like you just realized that you literally have no idea where you've been all day." He says, and all the while my eyes search for an emotion on his face but I can't see anything because of the darkness that is surrounding us.

"I'm so sorry, Drew." I finally say. I hate that my son had nightmares because of me, even though that is not what he calls them.

"It's fine, really. I just wanted you to know that a part of me never stopped waiting for you to come back."

"Some nights I still cry about it." I surprise both of myself and my son by saying the words out loud, they sound so personal, but since he trusted me with his dreams, I am sure I can trust him with my inner thoughts.

"About what?" He asks, and I look away, afraid that he might see the tears in my eyes even in the dark.

"They way your mom and I didn't last forever. The way we deserved more. The way you deserved more."

"Nothing lasts forever, dad, because there is no forever." He says, and I hate that there is a word for something that doesn't exist. I feel like someone invented the word just to make people like me suffer.

Foreve. Have I ever wanted anything less with Olivia? But now she is gone, because I wanted something that doesn't exist. I wanted an illusion. Now it sounds like my whole life is a big lie.

"When I was younger, Nanna used to tell me that when I see a big shining star in the sky, it's mom watching over me. That if I talked to her, she would hear me. I used to sneak out of the house at night and sit in the backyard, begging every shining star to give mom back to me. But I gave up eventually when nothing happened."

"How old where you?"

"Six, I guess." He says and my heart breaks. Well, what's left of it.

"I ended up not talking to Nanna for a while week." He says, laughing at the memory.

"Why?"

"I told her that she lied to me. That mom was never watching over me. That if she was, she would have been home by now."

"I'm sorry." I say again. I hate that there is nothing I can do to clean up the mess I made. The mess that destroyed our lives.

"Stop apologising, dad. It's not your fault."

"I was driving that car, Drew. You don't know what it's like to have to carry that terrible burden around." I say and fail to hold back my tears any longer.

"Hey, hey, hey..." He starts to say, then cups my face between his small, cold hands. "Stop it, dad. Stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault. And even if it was, I'm sure mom forgives you, it's about time you forgived yourself." He says looking me straight in the eyes, then kisses my wet cheek, catching a single tear, and I draw him closer, closing the gap between us. I hold him in that position for what feels like a lifetime until I hear his breathing getting more steady and find him sleeping when I look down at him. His forehead is covered with tiny beads of sweat, and I try to wipe them away as gently as possible so that he doesn't wake up, and I am thankful when his eyes flutter but don't open.

I don't think I can ever get over the loss of Via, not with a small version of her laying right next to me. There will always be a part of me that will never allow me to forgive myself and move on, no matter how hard I try. Somehow, I know it will always be there, a constant reminder of the biggest mistake of my life.

"Are you going to be alright, Adam?" Asked me Brandon today when we were doing the dishes in the kitchen. What he meant was: are you going to be alright after I leave, Adam? Can you believe that? My younger brother is asking me if I'm going to be alright or not. It is supposed to be the other way around, but here I am, the damaged person everybody has to fix.

"Yeah, sure." I said, even though I knew it is not the truth, it's the opposite, even Brandon could tell I was lying, he just wouldn't bring himself to say it. He has to believe that I am going to be alright, otherwise he won't leave. But that is what I want him to do, I want him to leave. To have a life of his own.

Why is everyone asking me if I am going be alright with my brother gone? It is not just about me, it is about him too. Is he going to be alright? What if he needs me someday and I won't be there for him? The thought of it alone kills me.

He smiled in relief and I smiled back, trying to act like there is not a knife in my stomach, and it was like someone put the whole world on pause just for us too. I wanted to stop that moment and live in it forever so that I never get to see the world without my brother by my side, but I couldn't, so I just dried my hands in the kitchen towel and put two bags of popcorn in the microwave for us to watch a movie.

Now that I am reminded yet again of what a terrible brother I am, I better stay away from Brandon, I can't keep holding him back anymore. He spent enough time fixing me and now I don't care about myself anymore. I don't care if I am broken or if I am shattered to pieces and scattered all around the place. I am going to find a way to fix myself by myself without hurting my son in the process or pushing him away, because I have to.

"You didn't kill her, dad." I hear Drew whisper, his eyes still closed that I don't know if he is asleep or awake, I just hope he is not having a nightmare. As I feel my skin getting ripped off my bones, I try to lie in my cold bed next to my son, my arm still wrapped tight around him, and I pray to God that I fall asleep before I fall apart.