Forget About Us

Time to go home

Rowan

I'm sitting flipping through my business law final checking my answers. I check the time. 9:30 am. Only took me an hour it felt so easy but no one is finishing. When I hand that in I'll be done with my first semester of sophomore year of college. It's weird. It feels like just yesterday I was a senior in high school and suddenly I'm 3/8 done with college. My brain feels like mush going over all my answers again and again. It's been such a long week between doing normal homework, writing essays, studying, and working. I feel like the only break I got was sleeping but that's finals week for you. I'm lucky though it's only December 9th and I am done. My other hometown friends won't be home for a week. I sigh flipping to the first page of the test. I see some other kids heading up to the front of the room to turn them in so I take that as my cue to head up there too. I walk up and on my way smile at my class friend Brian. A silent "have a great break" smile that he then returns but looks back down at the essay prompt he is working on. He's a friendly guy. He came right up to me the first day after class and started talking to me. Him being a sports management major and me being a fashion merchandising one, we both shared the same annoyance of having to take a business law class. It's a requirement to take core business classes though when your major is in the college of business and technology. I wait for other kids to turn in their tests and hand mine to the professor wishing her a good break. She may have had a boring class but she was very kind and understanding. I walk out and start my long trek to the parking garage. The business building is beautiful, new, huge, and definitely intimidating. I spend much of my time here especially when I need a quiet place to study. Don't get me wrong I love my roommates but it's next to impossible to get any work done in our apartment. That's where I am headed now. My car is mostly packed but I forgot my charger and want to say bye to the girls since most of them were sleeping while I was up for my final at 8 am.

I hop in my Jeep and drive the short 5 mins back to the main campus. I show the sweet security guard my card and pull into a spot close to my dorm building. I head up the empty path. Pretty much all students are sleeping or studying right about now. Our apartment is less quiet than I thought. Caitlyn who I share a room with is studying in our room while Val and Emily are sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast. "Hey ladies," I say throwing my hands in the air dramatically "I am officially done with my semester". "Lucky lucky duck," Em says sipping her smoothie while surrounded by nursing materials. I feel so bad for her she is always drowning in work. Me, Val, and Caitlyn barely even see her because of it even though we live with her. "I thought you were heading out after your final Rowan" Val says spooning some cheerios into her mouth. "Yup but that was before I realized I forgot my charger," I say heading back down the hall to me and Caitlyn's room. "Ahh can't be forgetting that" Val shouts. "Hey girl!" I say walking into our cozy room. I love it. Caitlyn's side has a more natural caramel tone with Chanel and Prada posters while mine has a massive Dior black and white print with other black and white collage pictures surrounding it. Caitlyn is a neuroscience major but I would most definitely say she's got some fashion in her too. Probably why we get along so well. "Hello, my darling," she says focused on her laptop screen. She and her cute phrases never get old. I feel bad all my roommates are still doing finals but I am so happy I am done. I reach behind my nightstand to unplug my charger and roll it up. "Well I think I am all set to head home," I say scanning my side of the room. My closet is almost empty besides a couple of hoodies and the floor of my closest is bare when there are usually like 10 pairs of sneakers down there. Yes, I am a sneakerhead. So is Caitlyn though and we happen to both be a size 7 so it really is the perfect situation. "Alright I'm gonna need a hug miss girl it's going to be a long month and a half without my bestie," I say walking over to her desk. "Hey half an hour got nothing us we will definitely visit each other," she says pulling me into a hug. Thats another thing. She lives in CT but not far at all so I can honestly see her whenever I want. "Of course. I love you," I say hugging her tight. "Love you more Row," she says "And hey, don't worry about him. You probably won't even see him while you are home but in the off chance you do, it's his epic loss," Caitlyn says pulling away and assuring me. She is right. I appreciate her so much. Caitlyn is the only one at this school that knows about what happened and it's because I trust her the most. I remember after talking to my therapist we agreed that my second year of college would be a clean slate. No mention of the past and only moving forward. But it's hard to move on to the future when you realize you aren't fully healed from the past. And that is why I told her. She has helped me so much when my friends from my home couldn't be here to talk me through the panic attacks I go through. The worst one was the August night I arrived here at school and found out about her. It's crazy it's December. 3 months since we ended things for good. I smile at her. "As always, you are right," I say. "Well of course, what would you do without me?" she says heading back to her desk chair. "I would be very very lost indeed," I tell her doing one last sweep of my side. "Don't break too many hearts while I'm gone" I tell her before shutting the door. "NO PROMISES" she yells from the room. I chuckle. We both know she will be breaking both guys' and girls' hearts. I head down the hallway and give Val and Emily a hug goodbye. "LOVE YOU GUYS!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!" I say heading out the dorm door.

I walk out into the unexpected snow shower. The campus looks so pretty in the snow and the cold snowflakes feel nice even though I do miss that warm summer sun. I didn't go home once this semester which was much different from last year. But things were different last year. A lot different. Home last year was something I looked forward to so much but now it's just reminders and memories of what happened. I shake it off and tune back into reality as I arrive at my car. I don't even need GPS anymore I have the car ride memorized. I saw a Tik Tok the other day talking about a guy who realized how much has changed since his first drive to college. The towns you drive through stay exactly the same and every turn or merge is so familiar yet the towns still know nothing about you. I couldn't relate to anything more. I don't feel like the same Rowan I did before that first drive at all. Part of me misses that innocent naive girl but part of me is proud of how strong I have become in not that long of a time. I get lost in my thoughts so much more now. So much so that I don't even remember turning on the car and already driving out the campus gates to the traffic light right before getting onto the highway. It's definitely not the safest but I can't help it. Overthinking and anxiety are a part of me now. It helps to know I am not the only one. Especially after this crazy past year of COVID, it's hard to find someone that actually is mentally stable. The light turns green and I turn my right blinker on to merge onto the highway that pretty much takes me right home. I shuffle a Spotify playlist of songs that I made just for this drive. I hum along and watch the snowfall. I live in a small town but what are the odds of seeing him? I can easily avoid places I might see him and it's not like my friends are any of his friends. Last I heard his friends don't even want anything to do with him. I was not the only one he hurt. His friends tried reaching out to me but I shut myself out from anything involving Great Oaks drama. They finally got the message after many tries. I found out he moved on. I tried to and I guess I kind of did. I don't really count some drunk night hookups as really moving on though. Especially since during most of them, all I could really think about was him. I hated that part. It made me feel like no matter what guy I met, I would still feel drawn to them. When I realized other guys were a reminder, I focused on myself, having fun with my friends, and school work. My therapist always told me that keeping yourself busy and distracted was the key to moving on. And I believed that for the most part. I kept my days busy with classes, study groups, work, and spending time with friends. But at the end of the day when I would turn over in bed to go to sleep, it would hit me like a ton of bricks. Thats when I hated how vivid and unforgetful my mind was. It's so hard to erase memories that have had such a big impact on your life. The sound of a ringtone escapes me from my thoughts as well as the road ahead of me. I look at the screen of the car and see it's my mom calling me. My phone connects through the car when I press to answer. "Hi sweetie!!" she says through the speakers. "Is someone finally coming home?" I smile. I think it saddened my parents that I did not come home once. But they know the situation. Only some parts but enough to understand why it was hard to get myself home. "Yes mom," I say turning the heat down "Home for the long haul". "So glad to hear it," she says her happiness so clear in her voice "What would you like for dinner? I'm sure you miss homecooked meals". As if on cue my stomach growls. I definitely miss that the most. Dining hall food isn't the worst but for sure not the best. I pretty much had stomach issues the whole semester. "Hmmm," I say thinking of what I have craved the last 3 months "How about any Italian dish? You pick" I tell her smiling. "Sounds perfect it will be a surprise," she says "Drive safe sweetie. I'll see you when you get home". "I will mom. I love you". "Love you too honey," she says as I press to hang up. I was so busy focusing on the bad memories I left in Great Oaks that I forgot all the good things. My family, my friends, my cozy house, and just the familiarity of all of it. It sucks someone can make you forget the important things in life. It'll be a good break besides its the Christmas season, literally my favorite holiday since I was little. For the first time since August, I feel happy to be putting on my right blinker as I see the words "Great Oaks" on the exit sign up ahead.

Thank you guys so much for reading my first chapter! I hope that you really liked it and I would just like to say this story is very personal and is based off of actual events in my life that did happen and I am using this app as a way to get closure from it :) so I hope that you enjoy the story as much as it helps me writing it and I will be updating as much as I can!!